Wow, I don't know what it is but something just hit me and made me realise how much of a first-class cunt I've been. I told a boy who loved me that I couldn't bare to be around him anymore and stomped on his heart as I gallivanted with various individuals eager to take his place.
I cannot believe how cruel I was and entirely consumed in myself and how the relationship 'damaged' me. But if it was so bad (which it was) why did I drag it out for so long? Why did I keep trying to cling on to something which everyone around us knew didn't work except us? Why did I put him through it?
One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I lost my best friend, loyal, kind and would do anything for anyone, even if he didn't even know you, just because he was that kind of person. I guess I ended up pushing for more than a friendship because I knew that if we didn't because we weren't going to see each other at uni everyday that I would lose him as a friend. And that summer was literally one of the worst ones of my life. Alone, uni drop-out and with no job. Then he came down to see a band and invited me along because he had a spare ticket and was nice like that.
He never hinted that he ever wanted anything more, so why did I think that I had to? I'm even more gutted because the holidays we spent together I'm sure would have still happened had we been friends and probably would have been better because it would have been without the domestics.
Why did it work so well as friends, but after a year in a relationship I could barely stand to be there?
I preferred my logo as the token lesbian of the group, if i'd just stuck to it none of this would have ever happened and we'd all be a lot happier. I guess I just felt like I was fighting a lone battle against everyone around me after we broke up, even though they all knew that it wasn't working and they would deliberately avoid inviting us to nights out because they knew we would be at blows by the end of the night. That alone should have said enough.
I guess being together was easier than being alone even though it; we, didn't work.
I just feel awful for the way I went on, I was childish and selfish and should have had a heart.
I was there once, my first love, we broke up, he got with someone else, and I couldn't handle it, I never did, and bar once, (in a brief get together with friends at home over Christmas '12 where it would have been more awkward for us not to speak than for us to converse the basic pleasantries) we've never spoken in 7 years.
7 whole years.
And I'm STILL not over it fully, and likely never will be because he was my first. There's nothing that you can do about it. But he just cut me off, far less cruel than me, blabbing on the internet about how crap the relationship was. I forget that people other than random Americans (hi) read this. And though I never went out to hurt him, I did, because I'm an arsehole and deserve everything I get.
Well, I'm only human, and we all make mistakes.
I'm just really sorry.
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