I find it difficult to comprehend the idea of calling for help, it seems that the more isolated you become, the less willing you are to resolve the situation, or to seek some form of resolution. I guess the reason that I've spent the last 3 years of my life in long-term relationships is because I truly dislike my own company. I have no drive to improve my outlook though if I ever have a friend in need I'd do all I could to try to make them feel better, regardless of my own feelings at the time.
I guess that's why I have a tendency to date people who are more insecure than I am, or who are more vocal about it anyway, so I can make them feel better and in turn, make myself feel better. Though telling someone their beautiful never cuts through and you spend your life trying to make them see what you see and eventually get fed up trying as you realise that they just want to moan and bend your ear.
I really miss having a decent group of friends around me, who I could call up and they would already be down the local bar with everyone that you've known and loved for up to ten years. I always laugh at people who moan about how shit shields is and that they cannot wait to leave, yet they never will, because it is comfortable. Because you're surrounded by people who love and care about you. Why wouldn't you stay?
As I enter this new year I am as lonely as I have ever been. It's not the city itself that I dislike really, I actually really like Manchester, it has a lot of promise. It's just that I fucked everything up by feeling the need to start relationships with just about anyone who'll give me the time of day. When all I really need is a friend. But it's just a little too late for that now.
I've found myself looking for Jobs in London for the summer and am currently in the process of wishing my life away. I've been messed about and slagged off by just about everyone around me. For being me. And I don't think it's possible to feel any lower. I just want to go home.
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