Come play... with what happiness is.

While travelling home from work yesterday I laughed at my sweet colleague who is newly in love with her boyfriend of 3 weeks. Though the journey I'd make jokes at how they would literally have text conversations spanning several hours merely informing each other that they miss and love each other very much, with the customary multitude of kisses to affirm such statements. While in conversation with another colleague, aside from our humour picking apart the holes in young love and the laughable fallacy of the true nature of the term, my other colleague talked about how she is finally in a relationship where she is truly comfortable, and with this in addition to her life accomplishments so far (career-related ;).

She is by far the happiest now that she has ever been by far, though she no longer lives in Dubai as she had outgrown her original profession, and her family live in Europe (proper Europe) so she can only communicate with them time to time through Skype as she also works 14-16 hour days so barely has any time for herself, never mind her relationship. But despite all this, she is 100%, completely happy and feels whole.

We discussed the damaging repercussions of controlling relationships (which our young companion spoke so freely about, she’s been with her boyfriend for 3 weeks, and he has already told her that she is fat and needs to go to the gym, along with texting her constantly asking to come over to hers, at 17 that seems a bit young to be so controlling, I thought that was something that generally came with age... to a point) and how by spending your life treading over egg-shells in a controlling relationship can cast a shadow over any joy that even other aspects of your life should bring to you. I guess games are for kids, and this includes mind games.

But the majority of the people I have courted over the years have generally (always- at first) been really kind and loving and respectful, I have been in 2 relationships which were completely overbearing (hence why I said always, at first) and went from lovely niceness to horrible, controlling, blockading the only exit after an argument which was usually over me wanting to spend time with my friends without them, because they didn't like them because they never let me 'play out'.

But I guess you need these experiences so that once you finally meet someone who really treats you right, is there for you for whatever you need and trusts you to have friendships outside, as well as within the relationship, with no grief, only stories, along with being willing to follow you to the ends of the Earth; then you will realise what a rare and beautiful creature you have had the pleasure and luck to meet and won't squish their hearts because they're "too nice" or whatever.

There are plenty of dickheads in the world, a lot of them with a lot of money, but what you really want, is to be with someone who is happy to stand by you and help you nurture your own future, to enable you to be the best you can be, then you can both be rich one day and not have the awkward situation of having to feel like you are owned by the other person because they contribute more financially to the relationship. I could not imagine a worst outcome, it's situations like this which make the 'bread-winners' of a relationship believe that it is alright to indulge in a little domestic violence since the other party would not be able to survive independently...

Wow, what a depressing tangent.

Anyway, our conclusion was, that what made us truly happy, was that we were in relationships which did not rule our lives in anyway, and had we not been in them then nothing would be any different in any other aspect of our lives, but it was just nice to have someone to come home to, to go for a walk with, to eat with or to travel with. To have a companion in life who makes you smile every morning. And to know that you're loved. That's what happiness is to me.

Come Play... Trapped but free

Strapped into a chair
Looking out onto sunny skies
Looking out on to grassy fields
Trapped but free
This modern form of travelling
Strapped in with anticipation
Breathing in the liberation
Supplied from the vents above
Keeping us from suffocation
Trapped but free
Boredom strikes
Igniting the senses
Moving under no pretences
Spontaneity is key
Trapped but free
Knowing where we've come from
Where we're going is still a mystery
A destination is only a noun
A description not fit for me
Only the visual suffices
Exploration is key
Im trapped, but I'm free.

Come play... With a Lover.

I've finally gotten to a point in my life where I've realised what I want. A companion, a friend, a lover, a fellow jauntier who has a distinct dislike for the norm and who will follow me to the ends of the earth on my travels, either that or someone who may be the opposite, but who I can bring out of their shell and show them the world as the playground it really is.

Several of the people I've dated recently all came back to the same reason (amongst others, but this being the key factor) for why they didn't want to be with me.

I'm moving, we'd have an expiry date, they're afraid of getting hurt, that it would only be temporary, etc.

My only argument to that is, life is temporary.

You never know how long you've got, so when you fall for someone, fall hard, when you think of a stupid idea, do it! And when you get hurt, cry until the hours merge into one gigantic mass of complete and utter despair, and when you awake in the morning, begin anew.

Love, Joy, Pain, Suffering.

If you're not feeling at least one of these emotions then frankly, you're not living, in order to pursue happiness, you must peruse life, and you cannot do this if you're constantly afraid to try new things, be it experiences or people.

There is only one thing in my mind that is preventing me from being truly happy within this moment, and that is my desperate need for consistency and stability in a partner. I could only dream of being lucky enough to be able to just follow wherever my libido took me and to find my adventures taking place in a different room every morning/early afternoon.

But unfortunately, due to the singular error in my DNA. I am a serial monogamist.

A young man I was dating recently told me on several occasions that he thought that all of the things would be well in my world, if I was loved. I instantly thought ‘you’re sodding right Mr Genius because that’s a situation unique to me, obviously’. I later changed my mind and realised that he was wrong due to the following factors…

I've spent the last few years of my life (excluding the last 6 months) in long-term relationships (roughly a year each, one slightly less, the other slightly more) with people that I ended up hurting really badly, due to the fact that they loved me, and I loved them too, but one thing was always missing.

The butterflies, that instantaneous spark, that initial overwhelming feeling that you get the first time that you clock your eyes with someone, and from that moment on, regardless of what you're doing or what you're going through in your life at the time, one thing is guaranteed.

This is going to hurt.

When I broke up with my last long-term partner, they asked me one thing, ‘Is this because of that conversation with that woman that you wrote about yesterday?’

What is ironic is that conversation was about was that she had seen many women through her life, some very successful, who through all their successes in their own lives, had self-selected themselves down into such a tiny group for prospective dates that they ended up alone and lonely anyway, she said that once you get to a certain age, if you're with someone who can make you laugh and void their own bowels without assistance then you’ll be alright.

Link to said blog post:- http://playmeee.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/come-play-with-companionship.html

I found her comments very heart-warming and I agreed with her on many levels, being raised by my grandparents and witnessing their relationship as not love, but coexisting and merely being content in each other’s company; made me realise that the fairy tale fantasy pushed on you through Disney movies as a child is not only a fallacy, but would render you a lonely, lost old cripple if you chased the dream for too long.

So being in the relationship that I was in at the time, she had essentially told me that I should settle, so how would breaking up with my long-term partner correlate with that conversation?! I initially said ‘No! Of course not, I'm just not happy anymore, and you clearly didn't read it/take on board its message.’

However 6 months on I realise, he was completely right, that conversation was the kick start to me plucking up the courage to leave. Because though he was loving, loyal and always very punctual, there was one thing missing.

He never made me laugh.

And though I understand her comments and took her point of view on board, if anything from what she said pushed me further away from the mundane, and reminded me that there once was a time that I was once overwhelmingly, head-over-heels in love with someone, and I'd never trade that experience for anything in the world. I even wrote about it, you can find the post though this link if you're curious:- http://corky91.tumblr.com/post/2063106061/love

The only thing that makes me feel even remotely down about that post, is that I knew more about love at the tender age of 19 then I do now, but one thing I do know now, is that I rather have even a month/week/even a day’s worth of crazy whirlwind romance ending in torturous despair and agony over a year on plopping along through life, semi-content, semi-living.

I'll keep my fingers crossed eh?