Come play... With a Lover.

I've finally gotten to a point in my life where I've realised what I want. A companion, a friend, a lover, a fellow jauntier who has a distinct dislike for the norm and who will follow me to the ends of the earth on my travels, either that or someone who may be the opposite, but who I can bring out of their shell and show them the world as the playground it really is.

Several of the people I've dated recently all came back to the same reason (amongst others, but this being the key factor) for why they didn't want to be with me.

I'm moving, we'd have an expiry date, they're afraid of getting hurt, that it would only be temporary, etc.

My only argument to that is, life is temporary.

You never know how long you've got, so when you fall for someone, fall hard, when you think of a stupid idea, do it! And when you get hurt, cry until the hours merge into one gigantic mass of complete and utter despair, and when you awake in the morning, begin anew.

Love, Joy, Pain, Suffering.

If you're not feeling at least one of these emotions then frankly, you're not living, in order to pursue happiness, you must peruse life, and you cannot do this if you're constantly afraid to try new things, be it experiences or people.

There is only one thing in my mind that is preventing me from being truly happy within this moment, and that is my desperate need for consistency and stability in a partner. I could only dream of being lucky enough to be able to just follow wherever my libido took me and to find my adventures taking place in a different room every morning/early afternoon.

But unfortunately, due to the singular error in my DNA. I am a serial monogamist.

A young man I was dating recently told me on several occasions that he thought that all of the things would be well in my world, if I was loved. I instantly thought ‘you’re sodding right Mr Genius because that’s a situation unique to me, obviously’. I later changed my mind and realised that he was wrong due to the following factors…

I've spent the last few years of my life (excluding the last 6 months) in long-term relationships (roughly a year each, one slightly less, the other slightly more) with people that I ended up hurting really badly, due to the fact that they loved me, and I loved them too, but one thing was always missing.

The butterflies, that instantaneous spark, that initial overwhelming feeling that you get the first time that you clock your eyes with someone, and from that moment on, regardless of what you're doing or what you're going through in your life at the time, one thing is guaranteed.

This is going to hurt.

When I broke up with my last long-term partner, they asked me one thing, ‘Is this because of that conversation with that woman that you wrote about yesterday?’

What is ironic is that conversation was about was that she had seen many women through her life, some very successful, who through all their successes in their own lives, had self-selected themselves down into such a tiny group for prospective dates that they ended up alone and lonely anyway, she said that once you get to a certain age, if you're with someone who can make you laugh and void their own bowels without assistance then you’ll be alright.

Link to said blog post:- http://playmeee.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/come-play-with-companionship.html

I found her comments very heart-warming and I agreed with her on many levels, being raised by my grandparents and witnessing their relationship as not love, but coexisting and merely being content in each other’s company; made me realise that the fairy tale fantasy pushed on you through Disney movies as a child is not only a fallacy, but would render you a lonely, lost old cripple if you chased the dream for too long.

So being in the relationship that I was in at the time, she had essentially told me that I should settle, so how would breaking up with my long-term partner correlate with that conversation?! I initially said ‘No! Of course not, I'm just not happy anymore, and you clearly didn't read it/take on board its message.’

However 6 months on I realise, he was completely right, that conversation was the kick start to me plucking up the courage to leave. Because though he was loving, loyal and always very punctual, there was one thing missing.

He never made me laugh.

And though I understand her comments and took her point of view on board, if anything from what she said pushed me further away from the mundane, and reminded me that there once was a time that I was once overwhelmingly, head-over-heels in love with someone, and I'd never trade that experience for anything in the world. I even wrote about it, you can find the post though this link if you're curious:- http://corky91.tumblr.com/post/2063106061/love

The only thing that makes me feel even remotely down about that post, is that I knew more about love at the tender age of 19 then I do now, but one thing I do know now, is that I rather have even a month/week/even a day’s worth of crazy whirlwind romance ending in torturous despair and agony over a year on plopping along through life, semi-content, semi-living.

I'll keep my fingers crossed eh?

Come Play... With Aerospace, Moving & Family.

Finally after the last year and a half I have finally realised my true calling, the one which I was fully aware it was for years. After all this time I finally took the plunge and reapplied to go back to university. After several rejections due to my lack of UCAS points due to me doing so piss poor on my BTEC (mind a MP for 43% attendance is an achievement in my book!) I finally received acceptance in the warm arms of Kingston University (I also got in to Salford, but it was design-based, not a field I really want to go into).

I really only applied for the course based on the feedback I got from my friend from college who went there, and through spying through his pictures on his Facebook and seeing how awesome it looked. The course I'm doing is not actually with the University as such, but it is accredited by them. Meaning essentially I'll be working hands on with aircraft of all design, commercial, military, haulage and private. Talk about fucking awesome! The company is called The Marshall Aerospace and Defence Group, you can check out their website for more information on the company: www.marshalladg.com.

Now I'm just terrified to be moving to Cambridge, a beautiful city I'm sure, but I was more excited when I was moving to Manchester, possibly because I was moving into halls and I thought I was going to be safe with the whole uni vibe around me, which to an extent was true. But I guess experience has taught me that you'll never be safe anywhere on your own, which is why moving to a city, where I don't know ANYBODY, and with no student accommodation in sight; kinda terrifies me.

I've been viewing flats on Zoopla and the like, and the rents are amazingly reasonable, although this is another thing that scares me, considering that it's down south, why am I able to find all-inclusive accommodation for under £80 per week? I already feel some sort of catch coming on.

But on the upside I'll be a hell of a lot closer to my friends and family, with London only being 20mins away, which is also a significant reason why I chose to go, since my 2 year old sister doesn't even know who I am, I don't want to be just another long lost relative who sends her easter eggs and a card with money in it on her birthday, I'd really like to be a part of her life and bestow all my worldly knowledge to her to ensure that she doesn't make the same mistakes that I have, or doesn't NEED to in any case. (If she's anything like me it'll likely not stop her, but I could have done with a heads up on what I was getting myself into on many occasions!)

All in all though I'm feeling really excited for the future, if not a little apprehensive, though I guess that's good in a way, I must be growing up as each day I become more fearful of the world.

Here's to the next chapter!

come play with... breathing.

I am so happy to be living, in this time, in this space, taking each and every day as it comes. breathing.

life is full of beauty, be it people, or imagery, it's the little things, that make this time so precious, so special.

i feel bad for the fallen, for those who never had the time, to experience what i have.

the pain, the loss of a loved one, believing that id never be whole without you in my life, but instead, you had the life i could only dream of, experiences that i will never experience, a life that i will never lead.

and i'll spend the rest of my life, inadvertently emulating your mistakes, your highs and lows, times change, but emotions stay the same, i believe.

as long as i keep breathing, i'll feel your presence, in my mind you're with me, and thats all that matters.

i'll take hold of each and every day, till my breathing ends. with you.

Come Play With... 2014

Good evening to you all.

It has been brought to my attention that about this time of year people come up with these weird things called 'Resolutions' or something, where they generally set themselves some sort of unachievable target (or non-scalable i.e being nicer, wtf) and then by the end of the month are back to square one. Still smoking and still fat.

Well this year, my initial thoughts on a resolution were to be 'a proper lad and to give none of the fucks for 2014' which is a good idea in theory, except for the fact that... and believe it or not... I have a vagina.

Henceforth due to this I have decided that for my New Years Resolution I shall not set up a New Years Resolution. Because I never keep to them anyway and frankly, if anything I spent a good chunk of the last year trying to be sweet, compassionate and empathetic and self-less. But I am none of these things!

I'd say if I made it to 2015 without a kid that would be ace, but I don't want to jinx it. And if I wasn't still living in Manchester that would be cool too, but for some reason I'm not holding my breath just yet.

All I'm going to do is just keep going down the downward spiral that is my life, still frustrated and stunted; still alone and bitter.

Happy 2014.

Come Play with... Weirdos

What the actual fuck is going on with my life?

I've got a hoard of people chasing after me, and I'm well past my so-called 'Prime'.

Far too much headfuckery going down.

I'm actually turning down people who once I'd have dreamt of dating.

I'm no hotter now than I've ever been in the past and if anything I'm more damaged than I have ever been (by damaged I mean less naive).

Really I guess this isn't something I should be complaining about, I guess I'm just a little too sceptical to allow my ego to be boosted beyond a certain point, though I can't help but wonder, why now?

Possibly the people in my life have grown to a point where they realise that maybe their lives cannot be fulfilled merely by getting wasted every night?

But that still doesn't explain why I would be some sort of key to fill the void. And if they knew me then why would they think by simply calling me gorgeous that it would somehow rouse my interest?

Clearly I must have been a dry fish back in the day, not the wriggly little shit that I am now.

I think I need to set the record straight and make it as clear as possible that...

People are weirdos.

And they scare me.

I do not want to go out with you.

Please leave me alone.

Come Play... With Friendly Fires Remixes

Play this track, it is fairly old but just makes you feel incredibly euphoric and alive. If you don't like it, try it again, it will definitely grow on you. I have it on repeat.

One day we're gonna live in Paris

I promise

I'm on it

When I'm bringing in the money

I promise

I'm on it

I'm gonna take you out to club showcase

We're gonna live it up

I promise

Just hold on a little more

And every night we'll watch the stars

They'll be out for us

They'll be out for us

And every night, the city lights

They'll be out for us

They'll be out for us

One day we're gonna live in Paris

I promise

I'm on it

I'll find you that French boy,

You'll find me that French girl

I promise

I'm on it

So go and pack your bags

For the long haul

We're gonna lose ourselves

I promise

This time it's you and me for evermore

And every night we'll watch the stars

They'll be out for us

They'll be out for us

And every night, the city lights

They'll be out for us

They'll be out for us

And every night we'll watch the stars

They'll be out for us

They'll be out for us

And every night, the city lights

They'll be out for us

They'll be out for us

Come play with... Companionship.

At work the other day I had a very interesting discussion with a very sweet elderly lady.

She needed to have some accommodation booked as she was travelling down south to attend the funeral of a dear friend that she had known since she was 11 years old.

In typical helpful Corkin-Style I managed to get her into a bridal suite for a price of a standard double, in order to hope that some comfort my come from her stay. She said if it's really nice she might just extend her stay a few days. It's really nice how in her older years she has the freedom to make (or not make as the case was) decisions for herself. Without the need to contemplate the needs of others.

Though our discussion we covered many topics, many of which my colleague believed to be inappropriate. I merely believed that it was inappropriate for him to be listening in and should have bloody well minded his own business. But anyway...

One topic which came up was love, or the true rarity of it in it's purest form in this life. I found it strange how honest she was about it, and she made a point that... 

'Young people these days spend too long waiting for the 'one' to come along. In the meantime their life flashes before their eyes and once they hit my age they become sad, lonely, bitter old women. In the end, all you need is someone to share the space with, who doesn't annoy you too much and who, if your lucky, makes you laugh. Due to the shift in gender roles over the past few decades women believe that due to the fact that they earn roughly the same if not more than men, and are completely able to depend on themselves financially, that they shouldn't need to settle. But inside the grand apartment, behind the designer clothes and underneath the expensive makeup. We all get lonely.'

Wow. Who can honestly say that that sad, and painfully truthful statement doesn't change the way that you look at your past/present relationships? Possibly even, the relationship between your parents and your grandparents... etc?

I guess life is as real as it gets. No fantasies here. And should you feel happy? Or relieved? To understand that there ISN'T someone out there just for you? The grass will never be greener? And to make the most of your given situation? 

Or sad that the illusive lover who should one day sweep your off your feet and take your hand as you run away together into the sunset; is nothing other than fiction? If anything, by thinking about this in more detail, it does make the idealistic view of true love seem, almost, juvenile, doesn't it?

Come Play 'Off The Rails'

I spent this weekend down canal street during pride celebrating boys walking around in skimpy underwear and men being fabulous. Along with all the joys that come along with the gay parade during gay pride in Manchester.

After which I ended up going for dinner with my friend Ashley and we ended up having quite a deep conversation.

One particular topic crossed our otherwise fairly light-hearted conversation, with regards to an old friend of his who 'went off the rails' after they finished school, and why they no longer speak.

The way he described her was astonishing as it sounded so much like myself, so much so that I felt the need to discuss it in detail.

For a change of scenery this time I decided to do a VLog for this entry. Please watch the video attached below. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

If you can't be bothered to watch it all, essentially the moral is, don't let go of your friends because they aren't necessarily on the path you expect them to be on. Just be kind, and be there when their world starts to fall. That's what friends are for. And I thank every last one of you who've put up with me all these years.

xx 

Come play with... That Fabulous Feeling!

It's very rare these days as a working girl that you find yourself with a day to yourself, or a day to sleep in my case. I can openly admit that my job is just about the most Mickey Mouse job in existence. I talk to people and book their holidays for them. Aside from the numerous pitfalls in our system which loses us millions of $$$ a year, the site is fairly easy to navigate and you just need to know when to let a sale go and to be tactical enough to keep their custom in the long-term.

Anyway, as you can see up until recently my life was my job which is why even now after 10 days off I still can't fully seem to switch off from it.

But after having this little break it has but my life into perspective, I took my boyfriend down to London for his 21st and we set about doing all the touristy things. We visited the London Eye, Tower London, HMS Belfast and Tower Bridge. Then we ventured north-wards and spent a day gawping at Piranhas and squealing at the Meerkats of whom graced us in the Zoo of Londinia.

Aside from this is did a few of the non-conventional touristy things, we sat down at the Camden Lock with a very good friend of mine and her boyfriend and over a 6-pack of beers, talked of all things London & Life related. I also had my first and only balloon and still wonder why these things are so popular? Along with poppers, another 'legal highs' I cannot seem to get my head around.

From there we went a little upmarket to Southbank with my oldest friend and a few friendly faces from days gone by and hastily sipped on our £1 cocktails from Browns as fast as possible as we needed to catch a train down to Exeter. The cocktails won and we missed our train, so we had to settle with the far less luxurious option of the 'MegaBus'. It got us home, albeit at 4 in the morning, but we got there.

After showing my beloved man my beloved city, he told me that he would never live there and it saddened me to think that our time together now would have an expiry date. However after our week away, he changed his mind. I love that about London, there are so many sides to it and although it may have a cold exterior to it, the people, and the places that you would never think to visit, are those which make it home. To everybody.

After arriving back in Manchester, I automatically received the 'back to work blues' with a huge dollop of lethargy due to the lack of relaxation involved in our 'holiday'. However, after doing only 2 shifts this week and having time to really assess my life (and wash about 2 months’ worth of clothes) I really feel; for the first time since before I left university. Real peace.

I suppose this is why it is compulsory to have a minimum 28 days holiday a year...

And isn't that just fabulous?