I've finally gotten to a point in my life where I've realised what
I want. A companion, a friend, a lover, a fellow jauntier who has a distinct
dislike for the norm and who will follow me to the ends of the earth on my
travels, either that or someone who may be the opposite, but who I can bring
out of their shell and show them the world as the playground it really is.
Several of the people I've dated recently
all came back to the same reason (amongst others, but this being the key
factor) for why they didn't want to be with me.
I'm moving, we'd have an expiry date, they're afraid of getting
hurt, that it would only be temporary, etc.
My only argument to that is, life is
temporary.
You never know how long you've got, so
when you fall for someone, fall hard, when you think of a stupid idea, do it!
And when you get hurt, cry until the hours merge into one gigantic mass of complete
and utter despair, and when you awake in the morning, begin anew.
Love, Joy, Pain, Suffering.
If you're not feeling at least one of these emotions then frankly,
you're not living, in order to pursue happiness, you must peruse life, and you
cannot do this if you're constantly afraid to try new things, be it experiences
or people.
There is only one thing in my mind that is preventing me
from being truly happy within this moment, and that is my desperate need for consistency
and stability in a partner. I could only dream of being lucky enough to be able
to just follow wherever my libido took me and to find my adventures taking
place in a different room every morning/early afternoon.
But unfortunately, due to the singular error in my DNA. I am
a serial monogamist.
A young man I was dating recently told me on several
occasions that he thought that all of the things would be well in my world, if
I was loved. I instantly thought ‘you’re sodding right Mr Genius because that’s a situation unique to me, obviously’. I later changed my mind and
realised that he was wrong due to the following factors…
I've spent the last few years of my life (excluding the last
6 months) in long-term relationships (roughly a year each, one slightly less, the
other slightly more) with people that I ended up hurting really badly, due to
the fact that they loved me, and I loved them too, but one thing was always missing.
The butterflies, that instantaneous spark, that initial
overwhelming feeling that you get the first time that you clock your eyes with
someone, and from that moment on, regardless of what you're doing or what you're going through in your life at the time, one thing is guaranteed.
This is going to hurt.
When I broke up with my last long-term partner, they asked
me one thing, ‘Is this because of that conversation with that woman that you
wrote about yesterday?’
What is ironic is that conversation was about was that she
had seen many women through her life, some very successful, who through all
their successes in their own lives, had self-selected themselves down into such
a tiny group for prospective dates that they ended up alone and lonely anyway,
she said that once you get to a certain age, if you're with someone who can
make you laugh and void their own bowels without assistance then you’ll be
alright.
Link to said blog post:- http://playmeee.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/come-play-with-companionship.html
I found her comments very heart-warming and I agreed with
her on many levels, being raised by my grandparents and witnessing their
relationship as not love, but coexisting and merely being content in each other’s
company; made me realise that the fairy tale fantasy pushed on you through
Disney movies as a child is not only a fallacy, but would render you a lonely,
lost old cripple if you chased the dream for too long.
So being in the relationship that I was in at the time, she
had essentially told me that I should settle, so how would breaking up with my
long-term partner correlate with that conversation?! I initially said ‘No! Of
course not, I'm just not happy anymore, and you clearly didn't read it/take on
board its message.’
However 6 months on I realise, he was completely right, that
conversation was the kick start to me plucking up the courage to leave. Because
though he was loving, loyal and always very punctual, there was one thing
missing.
He never made me laugh.
And though I understand her comments and took her point of
view on board, if anything from what she said pushed me further away from the
mundane, and reminded me that there once was a time that I was once
overwhelmingly, head-over-heels in love with someone, and I'd never trade that
experience for anything in the world. I even wrote about it, you can find the
post though this link if you're curious:- http://corky91.tumblr.com/post/2063106061/love
The only thing that makes me feel even remotely down about
that post, is that I knew more about love at the tender age of 19 then I do
now, but one thing I do know now, is that I rather have even a month/week/even a day’s
worth of crazy whirlwind romance ending in torturous despair and agony over a
year on plopping along through life, semi-content, semi-living.
I'll keep my fingers crossed eh?
