Come play… With Anxiety

As I’m writing this, I find myself with a strange sense of uneasiness. I found myself yawning almost constantly, with my heart feeling like its racing, fingers tingling, and almost certain that I’m dying.

I’ve grown to hate my job, I nearly had a breakdown (actually, I had an ACTUAL breakdown) at the prospect of even entering that office. I’m always fine by the time I get in there, and when I’m leaving I feel like I want to crawl up in a ball and never be disturbed. Either that or shop until I’ve spent the days earnings on another bag or pair of shoes. Which renders the whole exercise entirely pointless.

The job itself isn’t even all that difficult, I just find myself forgetting stupid things, and I have the inherent need to be the best, the most efficient, always moving forward. But as I’m working so hard through the week at uni, it feels like every weekend it feels like a month since I’ve last been in there. So I find myself constantly having to relearn my job.

And then when I make mistakes it is always noticed almost immediately and I am penalised for it, rather than anyone actually looking into why I make said mistakes and offering support and advice into how to combat these issues.

But instead I feel like a huge failure, and to make it worse my managers like to remind me of that fact each and every shift. My confidence is at its lowest point and I’m constantly wishing that I could be anywhere other than where I am. I find myself feeling like I’m going to have a panic attack every Saturday morning, and I cannot wait until I can get back to uni and spend my days feeling fulfilled and positive. Rather than lost and withdrawn.

One of my lecturers told us that he’s never had a job that he hated, because life’s too short, especially when you spend the majority of your conscious existence working. And you cannot be the best you can be when you hate what you do.

Every shift for the last month I’ve told myself I’ve got to hand my notice in. But that would admit that I failed. I know that any of my old mentors would tell me that it’s not I who failed, it is they, who failed me, for not having the capability to assume the slightest bit of compassion to an employee whose spirit they have completely crushed with their lack of acknowledgement of what they are putting us through on a daily basis.

Perhaps I’ve just been spoilt by working with companies that actually value the people who are making them money. Then again that explains why they were multimillion pound businesses while these guys are struggling to break-even.

I think the fact that I’ve spent the length of time to pine over the matter to the extent of spending my Saturday night writing this short essay is reason enough for me to let this go down as a moment in history where I made the wrong decision and take from the experience that I shouldn’t accept a job just because the pay is half decent.

Well. Lesson learned.

Come Play... With what matters.

Sometimes you find yourself feeling bogged down with your daily commitments. Your job, your bills and rent, possibly your dependants, or lack thereof.

And that's okay. We all feel this way from time to time; living each day just working to survive, and becoming lost.

Feeling sorry for yourself due to your shit job, lack of progression, in work and in life.

For losing people who you were once close with. For having the carpet swept from under your feet and having your world constantly change around you. For losing touch with your close ones. For losing touch with yourself.

The only thing you can do is breathe and take in the world around you. Cherish a beautiful day, or a song you find yourself obsessed with. Lose yourself in your passions and the people you love.

When times get hard, don't give up. Stay true to yourself and what you believe to be right. And stop trying to please everyone, there will be people that you won't see eye to eye with, or people who you drift away from. And that's okay too, because that's life.

The day you stop trying to please everyone around you, is the day you'll find peace. And stay in touch with your family, they're the only people in your life that you don't choose to be around, and the only constant forces in your life.

I hate that I find it so hard to keep in touch, life happens and before you know it your best childhood friend becomes a stranger. Social networking sites are good to let you know that they're doing well, but bad as they stop you from having a reason to ask how they are, what they've been up to?

I spend 40 hours a week in an office doing a job I have grown to dislike, not for the job itself but for the politics involved.  As a part timer I was often forgotten about and just left to do the job. Things were better then.

Everyone tells me to stop worrying, at least when I leave the office. I'm gone.

I am trying so hard to stop being so emotionally-involved in a job which provides little substantial growth and is run by people who don't care about the welfare of their staff.

What should be important to you is the remaining 7 hours of consciousness in your day. To make time for those who care about you. There may come a time when they're no longer in your life, for many reasons, so treasure the moment.

While you still can.

Come play... With a Lover.

I've finally gotten to a point in my life where I've realised what I want. A companion, a friend, a lover, a fellow jauntier who has a distinct dislike for the norm and who will follow me to the ends of the earth on my travels, either that or someone who may be the opposite, but who I can bring out of their shell and show them the world as the playground it really is.

Several of the people I've dated recently all came back to the same reason (amongst others, but this being the key factor) for why they didn't want to be with me.

I'm moving, we'd have an expiry date, they're afraid of getting hurt, that it would only be temporary, etc.

My only argument to that is, life is temporary.

You never know how long you've got, so when you fall for someone, fall hard, when you think of a stupid idea, do it! And when you get hurt, cry until the hours merge into one gigantic mass of complete and utter despair, and when you awake in the morning, begin anew.

Love, Joy, Pain, Suffering.

If you're not feeling at least one of these emotions then frankly, you're not living, in order to pursue happiness, you must peruse life, and you cannot do this if you're constantly afraid to try new things, be it experiences or people.

There is only one thing in my mind that is preventing me from being truly happy within this moment, and that is my desperate need for consistency and stability in a partner. I could only dream of being lucky enough to be able to just follow wherever my libido took me and to find my adventures taking place in a different room every morning/early afternoon.

But unfortunately, due to the singular error in my DNA. I am a serial monogamist.

A young man I was dating recently told me on several occasions that he thought that all of the things would be well in my world, if I was loved. I instantly thought ‘you’re sodding right Mr Genius because that’s a situation unique to me, obviously’. I later changed my mind and realised that he was wrong due to the following factors…

I've spent the last few years of my life (excluding the last 6 months) in long-term relationships (roughly a year each, one slightly less, the other slightly more) with people that I ended up hurting really badly, due to the fact that they loved me, and I loved them too, but one thing was always missing.

The butterflies, that instantaneous spark, that initial overwhelming feeling that you get the first time that you clock your eyes with someone, and from that moment on, regardless of what you're doing or what you're going through in your life at the time, one thing is guaranteed.

This is going to hurt.

When I broke up with my last long-term partner, they asked me one thing, ‘Is this because of that conversation with that woman that you wrote about yesterday?’

What is ironic is that conversation was about was that she had seen many women through her life, some very successful, who through all their successes in their own lives, had self-selected themselves down into such a tiny group for prospective dates that they ended up alone and lonely anyway, she said that once you get to a certain age, if you're with someone who can make you laugh and void their own bowels without assistance then you’ll be alright.

Link to said blog post:- http://playmeee.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/come-play-with-companionship.html

I found her comments very heart-warming and I agreed with her on many levels, being raised by my grandparents and witnessing their relationship as not love, but coexisting and merely being content in each other’s company; made me realise that the fairy tale fantasy pushed on you through Disney movies as a child is not only a fallacy, but would render you a lonely, lost old cripple if you chased the dream for too long.

So being in the relationship that I was in at the time, she had essentially told me that I should settle, so how would breaking up with my long-term partner correlate with that conversation?! I initially said ‘No! Of course not, I'm just not happy anymore, and you clearly didn't read it/take on board its message.’

However 6 months on I realise, he was completely right, that conversation was the kick start to me plucking up the courage to leave. Because though he was loving, loyal and always very punctual, there was one thing missing.

He never made me laugh.

And though I understand her comments and took her point of view on board, if anything from what she said pushed me further away from the mundane, and reminded me that there once was a time that I was once overwhelmingly, head-over-heels in love with someone, and I'd never trade that experience for anything in the world. I even wrote about it, you can find the post though this link if you're curious:- http://corky91.tumblr.com/post/2063106061/love

The only thing that makes me feel even remotely down about that post, is that I knew more about love at the tender age of 19 then I do now, but one thing I do know now, is that I rather have even a month/week/even a day’s worth of crazy whirlwind romance ending in torturous despair and agony over a year on plopping along through life, semi-content, semi-living.

I'll keep my fingers crossed eh?

Come Play... With Change & Goodbyes.

My friend left the business I work for today, it feels so weird to think that he won't be around anymore after seeing him about every day or so for the past 8 months. Then I realise how long it's been and how much time has passed since I moved here.

From starting a new adventure, going to uni, then failing and being the saddest I had ever been up to that point, as an adult anyway; to entering the world of work at Missguided, working stupid hours for minimum wage and still having to borrow money from my then-boyfriend just in order to make ends meet.

Then taking my two fingers and sticking them right up at the company which abused my hard-working nature and stifled my potential, and moved on to the world of Laterooms.

There I've met a wider range of people, from different backgrounds, different countries and all with their own stories to tell. I've not left the UK in almost 10 years, yet I've learn't much about the world through their stories and I'd love the opportunity to live them through my own eyes.

Now after he's left it's really hit home that life is full of change, but what's more strange for me is that I'm used to leaving other people's lives, not having it be the other way round, we've got it pretty cushy here, so I partially worry for him and hope he'll be alright without the financial support from working here, but more than that I envy him, for being able to leave, and having a future to look forward to elsewhere, our part of his life has now ended and he's moving on, it's a weird feeling knowing that I'll be stuck in the same place come Thursday evening.

Despite this I know that my time too will come, sooner than I'd like, the past 9 months since I started working at Laterooms have absolutely flown by, especially the last 4, where I went from realising that English wasn't for me and dropping out of college, to visiting MOSI with my dear flatmate and falling in love with aircraft again, to reapplying for university, to receiving my place and confirming it and confirming that in a further 5-7 months time, I'll be living in a new city, starting fresh, doing what I love, finally.

It's a bitter-sweet moment though, as I have become fully comfortable within my surroundings, hating it, but being comfortable nevertheless. I like that I earn just enough to get by, and that I can sleep for 12hrs a day. That every spare day is an opportunity for a new adventure which I'm now taking full advantage of, spending a Friday in Leeds with the most beautiful boy I have ever met, then the following Thurs/Fri taking my beauty of a best friend to my home, and still being able to make it to work for Saturday after getting the bus back to Manchester for 9.30am.

My plan was to get out of debt before I went back to University, now it's to create as many experiences as possible before I leave this city forever.

I am terrified, and have grown to dislike change, but it's one thing in this life you'll never be able to avoid, so I'm doing all I can to attempt to embrace it once again.

But despite this, though things may change, I hope that this is not the end.