As I’m writing this, I find myself with a strange sense of uneasiness. I found myself yawning almost constantly, with my heart feeling like its racing, fingers tingling, and almost certain that I’m dying.
I’ve grown to hate my job, I nearly had a breakdown (actually, I had an ACTUAL breakdown) at the prospect of even entering that office. I’m always fine by the time I get in there, and when I’m leaving I feel like I want to crawl up in a ball and never be disturbed. Either that or shop until I’ve spent the days earnings on another bag or pair of shoes. Which renders the whole exercise entirely pointless.
The job itself isn’t even all that difficult, I just find myself forgetting stupid things, and I have the inherent need to be the best, the most efficient, always moving forward. But as I’m working so hard through the week at uni, it feels like every weekend it feels like a month since I’ve last been in there. So I find myself constantly having to relearn my job.
And then when I make mistakes it is always noticed almost immediately and I am penalised for it, rather than anyone actually looking into why I make said mistakes and offering support and advice into how to combat these issues.
But instead I feel like a huge failure, and to make it worse my managers like to remind me of that fact each and every shift. My confidence is at its lowest point and I’m constantly wishing that I could be anywhere other than where I am. I find myself feeling like I’m going to have a panic attack every Saturday morning, and I cannot wait until I can get back to uni and spend my days feeling fulfilled and positive. Rather than lost and withdrawn.
One of my lecturers told us that he’s never had a job that he hated, because life’s too short, especially when you spend the majority of your conscious existence working. And you cannot be the best you can be when you hate what you do.
Every shift for the last month I’ve told myself I’ve got to hand my notice in. But that would admit that I failed. I know that any of my old mentors would tell me that it’s not I who failed, it is they, who failed me, for not having the capability to assume the slightest bit of compassion to an employee whose spirit they have completely crushed with their lack of acknowledgement of what they are putting us through on a daily basis.
Perhaps I’ve just been spoilt by working with companies that actually value the people who are making them money. Then again that explains why they were multimillion pound businesses while these guys are struggling to break-even.
I think the fact that I’ve spent the length of time to pine over the matter to the extent of spending my Saturday night writing this short essay is reason enough for me to let this go down as a moment in history where I made the wrong decision and take from the experience that I shouldn’t accept a job just because the pay is half decent.
Well. Lesson learned.
Showing posts with label Sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sadness. Show all posts
Saturday, 21 February 2015
Sunday, 5 January 2014
Come Play... with Loneliness.
I find it difficult to comprehend the idea of calling for help, it seems that the more isolated you become, the less willing you are to resolve the situation, or to seek some form of resolution. I guess the reason that I've spent the last 3 years of my life in long-term relationships is because I truly dislike my own company. I have no drive to improve my outlook though if I ever have a friend in need I'd do all I could to try to make them feel better, regardless of my own feelings at the time.
I guess that's why I have a tendency to date people who are more insecure than I am, or who are more vocal about it anyway, so I can make them feel better and in turn, make myself feel better. Though telling someone their beautiful never cuts through and you spend your life trying to make them see what you see and eventually get fed up trying as you realise that they just want to moan and bend your ear.
I really miss having a decent group of friends around me, who I could call up and they would already be down the local bar with everyone that you've known and loved for up to ten years. I always laugh at people who moan about how shit shields is and that they cannot wait to leave, yet they never will, because it is comfortable. Because you're surrounded by people who love and care about you. Why wouldn't you stay?
As I enter this new year I am as lonely as I have ever been. It's not the city itself that I dislike really, I actually really like Manchester, it has a lot of promise. It's just that I fucked everything up by feeling the need to start relationships with just about anyone who'll give me the time of day. When all I really need is a friend. But it's just a little too late for that now.
I've found myself looking for Jobs in London for the summer and am currently in the process of wishing my life away. I've been messed about and slagged off by just about everyone around me. For being me. And I don't think it's possible to feel any lower. I just want to go home.
I guess that's why I have a tendency to date people who are more insecure than I am, or who are more vocal about it anyway, so I can make them feel better and in turn, make myself feel better. Though telling someone their beautiful never cuts through and you spend your life trying to make them see what you see and eventually get fed up trying as you realise that they just want to moan and bend your ear.
I really miss having a decent group of friends around me, who I could call up and they would already be down the local bar with everyone that you've known and loved for up to ten years. I always laugh at people who moan about how shit shields is and that they cannot wait to leave, yet they never will, because it is comfortable. Because you're surrounded by people who love and care about you. Why wouldn't you stay?
As I enter this new year I am as lonely as I have ever been. It's not the city itself that I dislike really, I actually really like Manchester, it has a lot of promise. It's just that I fucked everything up by feeling the need to start relationships with just about anyone who'll give me the time of day. When all I really need is a friend. But it's just a little too late for that now.
I've found myself looking for Jobs in London for the summer and am currently in the process of wishing my life away. I've been messed about and slagged off by just about everyone around me. For being me. And I don't think it's possible to feel any lower. I just want to go home.
Tuesday, 29 October 2013
Come play with... Companionship.
At work the other day I had a very interesting discussion with a very sweet elderly lady.
She needed to have some accommodation booked as she was travelling down south to attend the funeral of a dear friend that she had known since she was 11 years old.
In typical helpful Corkin-Style I managed to get her into a bridal suite for a price of a standard double, in order to hope that some comfort my come from her stay. She said if it's really nice she might just extend her stay a few days. It's really nice how in her older years she has the freedom to make (or not make as the case was) decisions for herself. Without the need to contemplate the needs of others.
Though our discussion we covered many topics, many of which my colleague believed to be inappropriate. I merely believed that it was inappropriate for him to be listening in and should have bloody well minded his own business. But anyway...
One topic which came up was love, or the true rarity of it in it's purest form in this life. I found it strange how honest she was about it, and she made a point that...
'Young people these days spend too long waiting for the 'one' to come along. In the meantime their life flashes before their eyes and once they hit my age they become sad, lonely, bitter old women. In the end, all you need is someone to share the space with, who doesn't annoy you too much and who, if your lucky, makes you laugh. Due to the shift in gender roles over the past few decades women believe that due to the fact that they earn roughly the same if not more than men, and are completely able to depend on themselves financially, that they shouldn't need to settle. But inside the grand apartment, behind the designer clothes and underneath the expensive makeup. We all get lonely.'
Wow. Who can honestly say that that sad, and painfully truthful statement doesn't change the way that you look at your past/present relationships? Possibly even, the relationship between your parents and your grandparents... etc?
I guess life is as real as it gets. No fantasies here. And should you feel happy? Or relieved? To understand that there ISN'T someone out there just for you? The grass will never be greener? And to make the most of your given situation?
Or sad that the illusive lover who should one day sweep your off your feet and take your hand as you run away together into the sunset; is nothing other than fiction? If anything, by thinking about this in more detail, it does make the idealistic view of true love seem, almost, juvenile, doesn't it?
She needed to have some accommodation booked as she was travelling down south to attend the funeral of a dear friend that she had known since she was 11 years old.
In typical helpful Corkin-Style I managed to get her into a bridal suite for a price of a standard double, in order to hope that some comfort my come from her stay. She said if it's really nice she might just extend her stay a few days. It's really nice how in her older years she has the freedom to make (or not make as the case was) decisions for herself. Without the need to contemplate the needs of others.
Though our discussion we covered many topics, many of which my colleague believed to be inappropriate. I merely believed that it was inappropriate for him to be listening in and should have bloody well minded his own business. But anyway...
One topic which came up was love, or the true rarity of it in it's purest form in this life. I found it strange how honest she was about it, and she made a point that...
'Young people these days spend too long waiting for the 'one' to come along. In the meantime their life flashes before their eyes and once they hit my age they become sad, lonely, bitter old women. In the end, all you need is someone to share the space with, who doesn't annoy you too much and who, if your lucky, makes you laugh. Due to the shift in gender roles over the past few decades women believe that due to the fact that they earn roughly the same if not more than men, and are completely able to depend on themselves financially, that they shouldn't need to settle. But inside the grand apartment, behind the designer clothes and underneath the expensive makeup. We all get lonely.'
Wow. Who can honestly say that that sad, and painfully truthful statement doesn't change the way that you look at your past/present relationships? Possibly even, the relationship between your parents and your grandparents... etc?
I guess life is as real as it gets. No fantasies here. And should you feel happy? Or relieved? To understand that there ISN'T someone out there just for you? The grass will never be greener? And to make the most of your given situation?
Or sad that the illusive lover who should one day sweep your off your feet and take your hand as you run away together into the sunset; is nothing other than fiction? If anything, by thinking about this in more detail, it does make the idealistic view of true love seem, almost, juvenile, doesn't it?
Thursday, 20 June 2013
Come play... With Emotions.
People spend too much time hiding behind a face of secrecy. It's as if we're all actors in a play feeling what we are scripted to feel, and agreeing with opinions we are told to agree with. Most of all we are told to have a 'stiff upper lip' and are told that 'big boys don't cry' and various other phrases used to ensure that we hide our true emotions from those around us.
Why for I find myself asking?
Why is it such a bad thing to be true to yourself and others around you?
Why should we be constrained to societies norms and standards?
If I want to be sad for no particular reason, why is that bad?
Why do I need a reason to laugh, or cry?
Why should we need to have a particular association with an event or period of time for our thoughts and ideas to be justified and taken on board?
It's the thoughts and emotions of humans which separate us from the rest of all living organisms. In the fact that we hide our feelings, that we are a superior master-race yet we cannot do the simple thing of communicating visually with one another.
Even to this day I constantly find myself repressing my true personality in fear that those around me may not like me, although I've many friends who I have been completely open with and lost several friends due to doing so; I was always happy being an absolute fucking nutcase.
It's weird I feel more emotional now that I do not have these huge explosions of happiness or sadness. I spend most of my time in a kind-of midway road, where I am never sad, and never extensively happy for any significant period of time. If anything I think that due to the fact I have not been severely depressed in a long time, that I feel that I have lost touch with my emotions and my ability to feel.
This probably reads like a midlife crisis.
Maybe it's what it is?
All I know is that the physical emotions that people experience and the expressions they present are the things which make humans beautiful. To find someone who cared so much about someone/something that it drives them to tears, each tear is like a tiny drop of love oozing out of you to be shared with the world. That's what I like to think it is anyway.
I guess I need to find something to proper piss me off to get me out of this emotional limbolic* state of idleness and mental decline.
Or perhaps I just need to sleep.
Goodbye, xx
*made up a new word, who knew I was fucking Shakespeare?
Why for I find myself asking?
Why is it such a bad thing to be true to yourself and others around you?
Why should we be constrained to societies norms and standards?
If I want to be sad for no particular reason, why is that bad?
Why do I need a reason to laugh, or cry?
Why should we need to have a particular association with an event or period of time for our thoughts and ideas to be justified and taken on board?
It's the thoughts and emotions of humans which separate us from the rest of all living organisms. In the fact that we hide our feelings, that we are a superior master-race yet we cannot do the simple thing of communicating visually with one another.
Even to this day I constantly find myself repressing my true personality in fear that those around me may not like me, although I've many friends who I have been completely open with and lost several friends due to doing so; I was always happy being an absolute fucking nutcase.
It's weird I feel more emotional now that I do not have these huge explosions of happiness or sadness. I spend most of my time in a kind-of midway road, where I am never sad, and never extensively happy for any significant period of time. If anything I think that due to the fact I have not been severely depressed in a long time, that I feel that I have lost touch with my emotions and my ability to feel.
This probably reads like a midlife crisis.
Maybe it's what it is?
All I know is that the physical emotions that people experience and the expressions they present are the things which make humans beautiful. To find someone who cared so much about someone/something that it drives them to tears, each tear is like a tiny drop of love oozing out of you to be shared with the world. That's what I like to think it is anyway.
I guess I need to find something to proper piss me off to get me out of this emotional limbolic* state of idleness and mental decline.
Or perhaps I just need to sleep.
Goodbye, xx
*made up a new word, who knew I was fucking Shakespeare?
Come Play... With le Bombay.
Isn't it funny how most music we listen to these days is pretty standard, bouncy bouncy type tunes which may make you feel good, but have no lasting impression on you whatsoever? Then, through the pit of despair of which makes up the current music scene, a song will emerge which touches your heart and leaves a profound emotional footprint which you cannot shake and merely grows stronger with every play.
I found this song a while back if I'm honest, but I thought it would be worth mentioning even just to see if anyone else felt the same? Maybe everyone will have just a select few songs which makes them feel certain emotions which are specific to the individual, and no two people will feel identical after listening to it?
The song with which this entry regards to is a song called 'Leaving Blues' by Bombay Bicycle Club. The weird thing about this song is every time I listen to it I feel this intense sadness and homesickness which I could never have anticipated experiencing. The thing is, I left Newcastle, and my friends & family there, 2 years ago, so why do I miss them so much, now specifically? After all this time?
I've never felt true homesickness like this, it's strange, even when I left everything I knew in London and moved up north, I never felt this way. I feared leaving while I was still there, but after a long train journey up with all my belongings, and about 3 weeks sleep due to being drugged on oxygen, I had pretty much forgotten all about London, until I was 15/16 at least.
If anything, by writing this I feel a trend developing, it's as if after spending a few years away from where you came, you analyse your life and question as to why you left in the first place? I fought it when addressing this feeling first time round, as I felt like I was forced to leave London without a choice, I grew bitter with the situation despite knowing deep down it was the best decision that was ever made for me.
But now as this particular move was my choice and mine alone, I find myself torn between wanting to go back to Newcastle, back to my old life, when I was younger, my friends were all still around and I could handle my drink better; and the bright flashing lights of London and all the hope and success that I may find there. After being fine all this time, I'm struggling to be happy where I am, here in Manchester, despite the wonderful people I have met and have the privilege to call my friends & partner.
I guess history is just repeating itself, and I need to look into this a little more carefully to prevent repeated mistakes.
Well thank you very much Bombay Bicycle Club!
In case you hadn't yet heard this beautiful song, please check out the video below. It's truly moving.
I found this song a while back if I'm honest, but I thought it would be worth mentioning even just to see if anyone else felt the same? Maybe everyone will have just a select few songs which makes them feel certain emotions which are specific to the individual, and no two people will feel identical after listening to it?
The song with which this entry regards to is a song called 'Leaving Blues' by Bombay Bicycle Club. The weird thing about this song is every time I listen to it I feel this intense sadness and homesickness which I could never have anticipated experiencing. The thing is, I left Newcastle, and my friends & family there, 2 years ago, so why do I miss them so much, now specifically? After all this time?
I've never felt true homesickness like this, it's strange, even when I left everything I knew in London and moved up north, I never felt this way. I feared leaving while I was still there, but after a long train journey up with all my belongings, and about 3 weeks sleep due to being drugged on oxygen, I had pretty much forgotten all about London, until I was 15/16 at least.
If anything, by writing this I feel a trend developing, it's as if after spending a few years away from where you came, you analyse your life and question as to why you left in the first place? I fought it when addressing this feeling first time round, as I felt like I was forced to leave London without a choice, I grew bitter with the situation despite knowing deep down it was the best decision that was ever made for me.
But now as this particular move was my choice and mine alone, I find myself torn between wanting to go back to Newcastle, back to my old life, when I was younger, my friends were all still around and I could handle my drink better; and the bright flashing lights of London and all the hope and success that I may find there. After being fine all this time, I'm struggling to be happy where I am, here in Manchester, despite the wonderful people I have met and have the privilege to call my friends & partner.
I guess history is just repeating itself, and I need to look into this a little more carefully to prevent repeated mistakes.
Well thank you very much Bombay Bicycle Club!
In case you hadn't yet heard this beautiful song, please check out the video below. It's truly moving.
Now your back's to the road
The waiting's everything you know
I'm sure you know that I'm leaving
Riding home everyday
Sure in a cinematic way
Breathing the smoke of the train
Keep the thought of you aflame
I'm sure you know that I'm leaving
Curse God for my regret
I miss you indefinite
Not once did I think that
Love would stay til I come back
Now your back's to the road
The waiting's everything you know
I'm sure you know that I'm leaving
Bye, until next time...
Corky xx
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