Come play… With Anxiety

As I’m writing this, I find myself with a strange sense of uneasiness. I found myself yawning almost constantly, with my heart feeling like its racing, fingers tingling, and almost certain that I’m dying.

I’ve grown to hate my job, I nearly had a breakdown (actually, I had an ACTUAL breakdown) at the prospect of even entering that office. I’m always fine by the time I get in there, and when I’m leaving I feel like I want to crawl up in a ball and never be disturbed. Either that or shop until I’ve spent the days earnings on another bag or pair of shoes. Which renders the whole exercise entirely pointless.

The job itself isn’t even all that difficult, I just find myself forgetting stupid things, and I have the inherent need to be the best, the most efficient, always moving forward. But as I’m working so hard through the week at uni, it feels like every weekend it feels like a month since I’ve last been in there. So I find myself constantly having to relearn my job.

And then when I make mistakes it is always noticed almost immediately and I am penalised for it, rather than anyone actually looking into why I make said mistakes and offering support and advice into how to combat these issues.

But instead I feel like a huge failure, and to make it worse my managers like to remind me of that fact each and every shift. My confidence is at its lowest point and I’m constantly wishing that I could be anywhere other than where I am. I find myself feeling like I’m going to have a panic attack every Saturday morning, and I cannot wait until I can get back to uni and spend my days feeling fulfilled and positive. Rather than lost and withdrawn.

One of my lecturers told us that he’s never had a job that he hated, because life’s too short, especially when you spend the majority of your conscious existence working. And you cannot be the best you can be when you hate what you do.

Every shift for the last month I’ve told myself I’ve got to hand my notice in. But that would admit that I failed. I know that any of my old mentors would tell me that it’s not I who failed, it is they, who failed me, for not having the capability to assume the slightest bit of compassion to an employee whose spirit they have completely crushed with their lack of acknowledgement of what they are putting us through on a daily basis.

Perhaps I’ve just been spoilt by working with companies that actually value the people who are making them money. Then again that explains why they were multimillion pound businesses while these guys are struggling to break-even.

I think the fact that I’ve spent the length of time to pine over the matter to the extent of spending my Saturday night writing this short essay is reason enough for me to let this go down as a moment in history where I made the wrong decision and take from the experience that I shouldn’t accept a job just because the pay is half decent.

Well. Lesson learned.

Come Play... With Change & Goodbyes.

My friend left the business I work for today, it feels so weird to think that he won't be around anymore after seeing him about every day or so for the past 8 months. Then I realise how long it's been and how much time has passed since I moved here.

From starting a new adventure, going to uni, then failing and being the saddest I had ever been up to that point, as an adult anyway; to entering the world of work at Missguided, working stupid hours for minimum wage and still having to borrow money from my then-boyfriend just in order to make ends meet.

Then taking my two fingers and sticking them right up at the company which abused my hard-working nature and stifled my potential, and moved on to the world of Laterooms.

There I've met a wider range of people, from different backgrounds, different countries and all with their own stories to tell. I've not left the UK in almost 10 years, yet I've learn't much about the world through their stories and I'd love the opportunity to live them through my own eyes.

Now after he's left it's really hit home that life is full of change, but what's more strange for me is that I'm used to leaving other people's lives, not having it be the other way round, we've got it pretty cushy here, so I partially worry for him and hope he'll be alright without the financial support from working here, but more than that I envy him, for being able to leave, and having a future to look forward to elsewhere, our part of his life has now ended and he's moving on, it's a weird feeling knowing that I'll be stuck in the same place come Thursday evening.

Despite this I know that my time too will come, sooner than I'd like, the past 9 months since I started working at Laterooms have absolutely flown by, especially the last 4, where I went from realising that English wasn't for me and dropping out of college, to visiting MOSI with my dear flatmate and falling in love with aircraft again, to reapplying for university, to receiving my place and confirming it and confirming that in a further 5-7 months time, I'll be living in a new city, starting fresh, doing what I love, finally.

It's a bitter-sweet moment though, as I have become fully comfortable within my surroundings, hating it, but being comfortable nevertheless. I like that I earn just enough to get by, and that I can sleep for 12hrs a day. That every spare day is an opportunity for a new adventure which I'm now taking full advantage of, spending a Friday in Leeds with the most beautiful boy I have ever met, then the following Thurs/Fri taking my beauty of a best friend to my home, and still being able to make it to work for Saturday after getting the bus back to Manchester for 9.30am.

My plan was to get out of debt before I went back to University, now it's to create as many experiences as possible before I leave this city forever.

I am terrified, and have grown to dislike change, but it's one thing in this life you'll never be able to avoid, so I'm doing all I can to attempt to embrace it once again.

But despite this, though things may change, I hope that this is not the end.