Come play... With a Lover.

I've finally gotten to a point in my life where I've realised what I want. A companion, a friend, a lover, a fellow jauntier who has a distinct dislike for the norm and who will follow me to the ends of the earth on my travels, either that or someone who may be the opposite, but who I can bring out of their shell and show them the world as the playground it really is.

Several of the people I've dated recently all came back to the same reason (amongst others, but this being the key factor) for why they didn't want to be with me.

I'm moving, we'd have an expiry date, they're afraid of getting hurt, that it would only be temporary, etc.

My only argument to that is, life is temporary.

You never know how long you've got, so when you fall for someone, fall hard, when you think of a stupid idea, do it! And when you get hurt, cry until the hours merge into one gigantic mass of complete and utter despair, and when you awake in the morning, begin anew.

Love, Joy, Pain, Suffering.

If you're not feeling at least one of these emotions then frankly, you're not living, in order to pursue happiness, you must peruse life, and you cannot do this if you're constantly afraid to try new things, be it experiences or people.

There is only one thing in my mind that is preventing me from being truly happy within this moment, and that is my desperate need for consistency and stability in a partner. I could only dream of being lucky enough to be able to just follow wherever my libido took me and to find my adventures taking place in a different room every morning/early afternoon.

But unfortunately, due to the singular error in my DNA. I am a serial monogamist.

A young man I was dating recently told me on several occasions that he thought that all of the things would be well in my world, if I was loved. I instantly thought ‘you’re sodding right Mr Genius because that’s a situation unique to me, obviously’. I later changed my mind and realised that he was wrong due to the following factors…

I've spent the last few years of my life (excluding the last 6 months) in long-term relationships (roughly a year each, one slightly less, the other slightly more) with people that I ended up hurting really badly, due to the fact that they loved me, and I loved them too, but one thing was always missing.

The butterflies, that instantaneous spark, that initial overwhelming feeling that you get the first time that you clock your eyes with someone, and from that moment on, regardless of what you're doing or what you're going through in your life at the time, one thing is guaranteed.

This is going to hurt.

When I broke up with my last long-term partner, they asked me one thing, ‘Is this because of that conversation with that woman that you wrote about yesterday?’

What is ironic is that conversation was about was that she had seen many women through her life, some very successful, who through all their successes in their own lives, had self-selected themselves down into such a tiny group for prospective dates that they ended up alone and lonely anyway, she said that once you get to a certain age, if you're with someone who can make you laugh and void their own bowels without assistance then you’ll be alright.

Link to said blog post:- http://playmeee.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/come-play-with-companionship.html

I found her comments very heart-warming and I agreed with her on many levels, being raised by my grandparents and witnessing their relationship as not love, but coexisting and merely being content in each other’s company; made me realise that the fairy tale fantasy pushed on you through Disney movies as a child is not only a fallacy, but would render you a lonely, lost old cripple if you chased the dream for too long.

So being in the relationship that I was in at the time, she had essentially told me that I should settle, so how would breaking up with my long-term partner correlate with that conversation?! I initially said ‘No! Of course not, I'm just not happy anymore, and you clearly didn't read it/take on board its message.’

However 6 months on I realise, he was completely right, that conversation was the kick start to me plucking up the courage to leave. Because though he was loving, loyal and always very punctual, there was one thing missing.

He never made me laugh.

And though I understand her comments and took her point of view on board, if anything from what she said pushed me further away from the mundane, and reminded me that there once was a time that I was once overwhelmingly, head-over-heels in love with someone, and I'd never trade that experience for anything in the world. I even wrote about it, you can find the post though this link if you're curious:- http://corky91.tumblr.com/post/2063106061/love

The only thing that makes me feel even remotely down about that post, is that I knew more about love at the tender age of 19 then I do now, but one thing I do know now, is that I rather have even a month/week/even a day’s worth of crazy whirlwind romance ending in torturous despair and agony over a year on plopping along through life, semi-content, semi-living.

I'll keep my fingers crossed eh?

Come play... Being 22 and Not Pregnant.

I was going to do this as another vlog but then realised that the lighting is crap in my room so henceforth this shit is getting typed up.

After a non-eventful shift at work, I came home to a quiet house as usual, and pondered YouTube, as you do. I was watching a vlog of one of my favourite youtubers and it turns out she is pregnant, which is cool!

But from there onwards on that creepy old suggestions panel on the side came up with many videos usually within the title included '*Age* (12-14) and PREGNANT'. The videos would usually ensue a long ramble about how they got pregnant, how supportive their so-called 'boyfriends' are, and how they're going to be a big happy family and blah blah.

Some of these videos are several years old and later they've vlogged to update viewers on how their lives did not turn to shit and they are all fine and dandy.

It is these videos that depress me considerably.

You do not deserve to be fine! You should not have been able to have a child at 12, finish school, go to uni and have a great job! You should be pulling your hair out on a regular basis, be crying over how shit your life panned out and be working in a call centre like the stereotype that you are!!!

But no, thats me.

I'm Louise, I'm 22 and not pregnant, and what have I achieved with my life over the past 6 years since I got my own place and became a 'grown up'?

A Merit Pass on a BTEC and a liver that's seen better days.

Shit.

Come Play... By Breaking Down.

For those of whom that I see on a day-to-day basis, this is not a new topic of discussion, if fact, since before I can remember it has always been on my mind constantly niggling at my brain. But now I am on the verge of having a complete meltdown. And am seriously regretting staying in Manchester, living in this house and going back to college.

Over the summer months, before I went to college I was spending £212 a month on council tax, due to living in a Tax Band F house and being the only occupant non-exempt from paying it as I was not a student at the time. I begrudgingly paid it, despite the fact that I was only earning a measly £999.98 per month after tax.

As soon as I started college in September, I stopped my payments, as I went down to part-time hours at work and was registered as a full-time student. This was okay for a while, until the workload started to really get on top of me, being the only student in my class to not be on benefits, I spent my weekends and evenings working so I was able to live, meanwhile they had the time to write their assignments. I'd pull all-nighters after shifts at work in order to meet deadlines, and come in to college wired and senile. I got to a point where something had to give and as I could not quit my job and leave myself broke and impoverished, I had to leave college.

Unfortunately, before I did, I didn't get around to applying for my Tax Exemption.

As I have been working part-time ever since I am just as poor as ever, having to rely on pay day loans in order to make ends meet, I'm not in a position to continue to have £200 a month taken from my wage. I am now receiving numerous letters from the council demanding that not only do I owe them £1,500 from the 13/14 tax year, but that I also owe them a further £2000 for the 14/15 tax year.

On £799 per month, this is not possible and never will be until I get a new job which pays better.

So now I'm freaking out, I'm supposed to be trying to save up for going back to uni next September, and I need to get a passport in order to sign up to uni and for Student Finance, which I currently cannot afford due to the aforementioned reasons.

I've been trying to stay calm about all this for a while and for months I could, but now I am completely breaking down, had I been on benefits I'd not have been eligible to pay council tax, however by working part-time, where I'm just as well-off as I would have been on benefits, I have this huge weight on my shoulders which is ruining my life and relationships with my friends.

On the upside I'm trying to get rid of all of my stuff to move down south in the summer, so by having bailiffs taking everything away does make it easier, but unfortunately the entirety of my collection of 'stuff' would not even equate to a drop in the ocean of what I owe.

At 22 years old I am heavily in debt, and I don't even have anything nice to show for it. I haven't been abroad in just under 10 years, I consider Topshop to be the closest thing to designer clothing, and my cupboards and fridge are bare as I can barely afford food even after pay day.

And what makes it worse, had I never moved in to this house I'd never have had this problem. I don't even have the upside of being close with my flatmates, because I'm not, we're civil and exchange pleasantries day to day, but I'm more of a burden to them than anything else and feel incredibly uncomfortable to be here on most days.

All in all, my life is shit, if my dad wasn't my guarantor I'd be out of here like a shot and live in a bush somewhere, but alas, my obligations come first and I am on the verge of going bankrupt. Fucking joy.

Going to get myself down to citizens advice tomorrow morning to see if anything can be done to improve my situation, but as I've said in the past, I've got nothing left for them to take from me, but I'd rather do time in prison and have a criminal record for tax evasion over having a bad credit rating, maybe they'll be generous and let me do time to pay! Fingers crossed!

Come Play... With City Lights

City Lights

The lights of the earth, outshine the heavens

Glimmering beauty, breathtakingly bright

Skyscrapers, line the nights sky like a dream

Their electricity, blurs out the stars

Man-made, using tools taken from the earth

Functioning, to bring light from the darkness

Safety, from those lurking in the shadows

The city lights, bring warmth into our hearts

I still remember, the day’s way back when

The lights were my solitude, my freedom

They’d lead me to a place, away from home

To begin afresh, to begin anew

Where fear could no longer consume me whole

They protect me, forever, they are my home.

Come Play... Broken

There was a little girl who nobody noticed,

It wasn't her fault that her parents couldn't focus,

She walked the streets, in shoes that didn't fit.

She had to walk from the pain,

The screaming and smashing,

City lights were her liberation,

Step by step till she found a better day.

She didn't understand? How could this happen?

Home is meant to be where the heart is,

But this ones heart, was tired, broken and torn.

She had to walk from the pain,

Getting drenched by the rain,

Hoping that she’d never see this place again

Step by step till she found another way.

Sometimes life, is not forgiving

For that small girl who somehow lost her way.

But, you never know,

oh I wonder whatever happened to that girl.

Who had to walk away, from the pain of living.

Come play... by sleeping your way to the top?

I've recently come to a crashing halt in my enthusiasm for the current place of employment. After 10 months of relatively hard work (as hard as sitting in a call centre booking hotel rooms can be...) I have once again reached the absolute limit with how far I can grow in terms of experience and develop in terms of my skill set.

I am no longer being pushed and even the most complex of complaints are now a complete doddle to sort out and I am feeling stunted. As I have done in the past when I have reached the absolute maximum potential that a singular non-progressional role can provide. If anything my last job was far more intellectually stimulating as a small team of adolescents essentially ran the company from the customer service perspective.
 
How can I progress I wonder? I'm not usually one for gossip, well actually I am. I am human after all and anyone who says that they do not sercumb to the joys of hearing dirt on your peers are bare-faced liars. But anyway, I remember being told by senior members of staff when I started working there that they all worked their way up from the bottom, from where I was, it gave me hope and excitement to believe that with a little hard work I could truly work my way up within a company.

Turns out, allegedly, from a well-informed source. They shagged the MD's and were instantly promoted as some sort of penance for the dissolution of their families through being 'caught out!'.

What a load of fucking bollocks!

All I've learn't is that hardwork and dedication is ignored and opening your legs guarantees you a cushy job with a fancy title and an even fancier pay check. Meanwhile the company is going to shit while the middle and lower management are being taken for granted and are forced to do their dirty work and are picking up the pieces.

And what makes me more sad is the fact that women are still using their bodies in order to get up the career ladder, what message does that send to your daughters? How would you feel knowing that your daughter was the office bike? What the fuck was the point in the whole feminist movement when this is how we have to get ourselves to where we need to be?

Did the suffragettes fuck MPs in order to push through the right to vote? NO! They used their voices! They forced the world to listen! They were willing to put their lives on the line for what they believed in, equality.

And from that this is where we've ended up, I feel like crying for being so disappointed, the real world is a sad place, but I'd rather be poor forever than take a payout from a sleezebag in an expensive suit. Surely we deserve better? Surely the intellect of the modern woman should be valued over her ability to get both your cock and your balls in her mouth?

Very, very disappointed.

And if this is what the services industry as a whole is like then I will be sure to aim for a fucking 1st when I go back to uni, what baffles me is that I find myself teaching the managers how to use Excel and other basic microsoft programs. And then they make us do stupid CV and Interview workshops when clearly most would benefit more from some level 1 ICT classes. Considering the company is web-based you'd expect more.

Once again I've found myself stuck on yet another sinking ship, I've got to get out of here, my colleagues are some of the best people I've ever worked with and some of the greatest friends that I've made here. But after 18 months in customer service. Frankly. I'm sick of dealing with stupid people being stupid. Stupid customers, stupid hotels, stupid lies pouring out from the mouths of management to cover up the fact that the company is failing due to the reasons mentioned above.

I'm done with this bullshit.