Come play... with Huel (Week 1)

2 weeks ago I saw a sponsored AD on Facebook for what appeared to be another dietary supplement drink. This is not something unheard of to me as I have seen many of my colleagues and friends buy in to such fads. A few girls I know tried the Juice Plus diet and swore by it, however I couldn't see how it could be sustainable long term and I figured all that sugar must make you crash eventually, whether it's pure or not. And your body needs things other than vitamins, like protein and calcium for example. Not things I'm aware of strawberries and grapes comprising much of. So I was sceptical initially. However I saw in the AD that it was supposedly a fully nutritionally balanced formula, as well as being made up of natural, sustainable ingredients. It caught my curiosity, so I clicked the link.

(Back story coming up, if you just want to know what I thought of the drink then skip the next 4 paragraphs)

I have had problems regarding my weight for a while now, fluctuating significantly from year to year, and between 2013 to 2015, I had gained nearly three stone (or 18 kg for European readers). I was 68 kg at my heaviest in May last year, potentially due to daily consumption of alcohol and lots of meat and bread whilst touring Poland. I also suffered from pretty bad constipation, likely due to my diet and lack of exercise (which I used to do a lot of cycling 8/9 miles a day to and from work in Manchester (2013-2014)). And with the pressures of Uni and work alongside, since late 2014 I've not really had time to work out, and I lived too far from campus to cycle in to uni every day, so I got the bus, and got fat in the process.

Once I moved closer to Uni I started to cycle in everyday, however I was still spending my weekends working in an office and my evenings doing coursework/revision. So I still lead a predominantly sedentary life. I also live with my boyfriend who is 6ft 4". Whilst I'm only 5ft 2", I still consumed (roughly) the same amount of food as him, and would genuinely get annoyed when he even suggested the idea of me getting a smaller portion. Only child syndrome and all that.

So though I did manage to shift some of that weight, I couldn't seem to get past the 10st mark. I'd always fluctuate between 10st 2 and 10st 4. And I didn't really know how to cook at all (still don't) and due to mostly living off alcohol, sandwiches and Weatherspoons dinners; I constantly felt lethargic and Senekot became my only friend on my days off often going several days without a number 2.

So at the start of this year I decided to try to reduce my dependency on alcohol by doing the Dry January thing. The last post I wrote on here talks about how that went. And basically I decided to keep it up after January due to the significant amount of money I managed to save and how better I slept/felt generally (4 months sober next Friday woo!). However I barely lost any weight despite the fact I used to consume either a bottle of wine or several tins of high % alcohol beer every day. I basically went from fluctuating between 10st 2 to 10st 4 to 10st - 10st 2. So within the entire exercise, I lost an average of 2 pounds. If I stopped drinking solely to try to lose weight, I'd be drinking again.

So, digression aside (Jesus), I clicked the link, and read up on it, and read reviews on what other people thought about it. And it sounded perfect for my demographic. "Lazy twenty-something who can't adult". They were also giving away a free shaker thingy and a t shirt on your first order. So how could I resist?! After reading up on it honestly I wanted to go ahead and buy a months supply but my boyfriend told me to hold back and check to see if it doesn't taste like how curry mile smells on a Sunday morning.

So I bought it on the Sunday and it arrived last Tuesday. The first time I used it I just mixed it with water and used the shaker thing that it came with, and it was all lumpy and tasted weird (I got the Vanilla one). NOT unbearable, just weird. So I then checked out Instagram to see if other people were using it and what they mixed it with (since they say on the site you can mix it with other things to make it more appatising). I saw a girl mix it with Hazelnut Almond milk and I thought that sounded nice so I got some, mixed the almond milk with water at a ratio of 5:3 for 100 grams of Huel. And blended the shit out of it. And not only did it become MORE bearable, but its actually really yummy!

I've not gone cold turkey like I thought I would I must admit, I have had the odd solid meal here and there, but most days I'll have Huel for breakfast, lunch and dinner and have a fruit bar or something in between. I'm also trying to only consume 1200 calories a day and if I go over, I'll work off the difference. I'm really trying to get down to 57kg or 9st at the moment. Honestly after that I'll probably try to get down to 8st (50kg), unless I happen to amass some Hulk-like muscle, though I doubt that since I mostly just do cardio (Just Dance Sweat). 

BTW something to note if you haven't noticed already, I have a LOT more energy now than I used to, and I've been exercising every day (bar 1, uncle popped round) since I started using Huel. 

(The constipation issue has also been resolved, probably why I lost so much weight so quickly (as you'll see below), people always tell me I'm full of shit but I didn't actually believe them!)

Below are a few tables showing what I've been eating in conjunction with Huel and how many calories each meal contains. Along with this the amount of calories I've been burning through exercise. 

(Note that I'm meeting all of my nutritional requirements by the amount of Huel I'm consuming alone)

Tuesday (22/03/16)
Breakfast	Cornflakes, Milk & Coffee	183Kcal
Lunch	Huel Vanilla 100g	410Kcal
Dinner	1 third of a Pizza	271Kcal
Snacks	Crisps 10g, 2 Flapjack bites (FJB) & Winegums	504Kcal
Exercise	Just Dance Aerobics In Space (55min) + Walking (22min)	231Kcal
Goal-Food+Exer (Kcal)	1200 - 1368 + 231 = 63
Wednesday (23/03/16)
Breakfast	Huel Vanilla 100g	410Kcal
Lunch	/	0 Kcal
Dinner	Huel Vanilla 100g + Orange & Mango Juice (500ml)	640Kcal
Snacks	Crisps 5g, 2 FJB, Coffee & Granola Slice	478Kcal
Exercise	Just Dance Aerobics In Space (42min)	117Kcal
Goal-Food+Exer (Kcal)	1200 - 1528 + 117 = -211
Thursday (24/03/16)
Breakfast	Huel Vanilla 100g + Orange Juice (400ml)	578Kcal
Lunch	Huel Vanilla 100g + Orange & Mango Juice (200ml) + 2FJB	676 Kcal
Dinner	/	0Kcal
Snacks	Coffee	2Kcal
Exercise	/	0Kcal
Goal-Food+Exer (Kcal)	1200 - 1256 + 0 = -56
Friday (25/03/16)
Breakfast	Huel Vanilla 100g + Orange & Mango Juice (200ml) + 2FJB	676 Kcal
Lunch	/	0Kcal
Dinner	Huel Vanilla 100g + Orange & Mango Juice (200ml)	502Kcal
Snacks	Paluszki solone (26g)	97Kcal
Exercise	Just Dance Aerobics In Space (58min)	157Kcal
Goal-Food+Exer (Kcal)	1200 - 1275 + 156 = 82
Saturday (26/03/16)
Breakfast	Huel Vanilla 100g + Orange & Mango Juice (200ml)	502Kcal
Lunch	Pasta, Soup & 2 FJB	658Kcal
Dinner	Bagel w. Low fat soft cheese	254Kcal
Snacks	/	0Kcal
Exercise	Gym - Cardio + Walking	216Kcal
Goal-Food+Exer (Kcal)	1200 - 1414 + 216 = 2
Sunday (27/03/16)
Breakfast	Huel Vanilla 100g + Alpro Hazelnut Almond Milk  (200ml)	515Kcal
Lunch	/	0Kcal
Dinner	Huel Vanilla 114g + Alpro Hazelnut Almond Milk  (250ml)	527Kcal
Snacks	Coffee & Green Tea	3Kcal
Exercise	Just Dance Aerobics In Space (38min)	102Kcal
Goal-Food+Exer (Kcal)	1200 - 1045 + 102 = 257
Monday (28/03/16)
Breakfast	Huel Vanilla 100g + Alpro Hazelnut Almond Milk  (200ml)	515Kcal
Lunch	Huel Vanilla 50g + Alpro Hazelnut Almond Milk  (100ml)	258Kcal
Dinner	Huel Vanilla 50g + Alpro Hazelnut Almond Milk  (100ml)	258Kcal
Snacks	Granola Slice	275Kcal
Exercise	Just Dance Aerobics In Space (1hr 19min) + Walking	225Kcal
Goal-Food+Exer (Kcal)	1200 - 1306 + 225 = 119

My weight on the 22/03/16 was 63.5 kg. My weight this morning on the 29/03/2016 is 61.4 kg.

I've lost 2.1 kg or 4.63 pounds in 1 week. And I feel pretty good in general.

I'll keep you updated with how I get on over the next few weeks (hopefully not essay-like like this one, felt like I missed a lot of points out but nobody's probably reading this anyway)

Tra for now xx

Come play... During my Dry January experience

Once the clock hits 12 tonight I will be 1 month sober! Funnily enough, I never thought of myself as an alcoholic, but I'd never stretch so far as to say I was only a moderate drinker. Especially over the month of December last year, when I ended up taking on more shifts at work at the pub and consequently, supplied myself with plenty of free booze (all legit of course).

However, I noticed that my drinking was starting to take it's toll when I'd find myself going through a bottle of wine at least a night. I had this issue where I could say no to a glass, however once a single one was consumed, the bottle could not be left unfinished. When considering the term of the glass being half full or half empty, in my case, the BOTTLE, should be neither, it should always, be completely, FULL, and then, EMPTY, and then another sourced to be devoured without delay!

This was all fine and well, I suppose, in my teens and early twenties, however now I have reached the year that I should (hopefully!) hit my 25th year of existence on this planet, and with my life not having turned out entirely as planned, still juggling bar jobs with my studies at university, whilst most of my peers had graduated a long time ago and are getting well and truly stuck in to their careers, I found a sober moment to contemplate my life choices and deliberate them in detail.

I thought about all the key points in my life that had lead me down then path that I find myself on. Why didn't I reach my predicted grade in school or college? Why didn't I pass my first year in university first time around? And why did I choose to work in customer service for 3 years instead of push myself to get a job I had any remote interest in?

Then I noticed a running theme, I started drinking 3 months before I was due to take my GCSE's, spending the majority of my free time down the beach with my friends getting wasted on Bella or Glen's vodka. Instead of attempting to revise for my exams. How I managed to pass them all (though some just barely) I'll never know.

This trend followed suit through college, especially once I moved out from home. Most of my 16th and 17th years of life are a blur, with only photographs on MySpace and Facebook to remind me that I got off with the majority of my friendship group and was lucky that I never ended up getting smacked by anyone since my actions were similar to that of an infant child pouring drinks over myself and just about anyone within a 5 meter radius of me.

Subsequently I failed my A Levels, no surprise there.

Then I gave myself 4 months to think long and hard about what I wanted to do with my life, and I stumbled across the Aerospace Engineering Btec at Newcastle College. It looked and turned out to be, pretty awesome, well, for the 43% of the time that I attended, the remaining 57% of the time I was either inebriated, or hungover. Due to the high quality of my level of work when I did bother to attend, I was predicted a DM (Distinction Merit) however, due to the course being mostly being put on the back burner behind my budding social life, I only ended up with a MP (Merit Pass). Which is barely acceptable for most universities and required me to do a foundation year where ever I decided to go. I can only assume that it was due to "positive discrimination" that I got into Manchester, because I didn't even hit their very lenient conditional offer target of a MM.

In my defence, I screwed up in Manchester predominantly due to financial issues, I didn't receive a single payment from Student Finance until March the following year after my course started, and I relied entirely on handouts from my fairly cash strapped estranged (according to the law at least, but not so much in real life) father. Most of this money ended up in my local bar, and I only decided to pull my finger out and do some real work one my payment came through, far too late, being unable to pick up the marks squandered from the first semester.

Once I received my confirmation from Manchester University that I'd not be allowed to resit the year, as they didn't consider financial difficulty to be a mitigating circumstance, I found myself at a real low point, and did what I always did when I was down in the dumps. I got drunk,

From that point I scowered the internet to find any job I could, and ended up doing the only job that those with wasted talent end up doing... I went into customer service.

I then spent as I said 3 years of my life getting up, going to work, hating work, finding kindred spirits in the form of my colleagues who also hated the work, finished, went out and got mind numbingly drunk with said colleagues and woke up hungover and miserable at the thought of going through the whole charade all over again.

But I persevered, I needed the money to pay for the booze, and after rent, that's what 90% of my salary went on.

After this time I eventually got fed up and decided to go back to university again. Which I have done, and completed my first year of last summer. The first real achievement that I have been able to put under my belt in 5 years. But the road ahead is still long, and as I grow older I find that now not just my body, but also my mind was being affected by my relationship with alcohol.

I constantly found myself stressed and uneasy, breakdowns in my job and at university were a frequent occurrence as I struggled to complete tasks or assignments with a hangover. And as I had my last breakdown at work in the middle of last month...

I decided enough was enough.

I needed to stop drinking. And not just cut down, I mean completely stop due to my entire lack of self control.

So I did. For 31 days for the month of January 2016.

And what did I find?

That drinking yourself into oblivion is fucking stupid.

I also saved 65 quid.

Come play… with Winnie's Lovely Labour-Fruits

It’s gotten to that time of year again, that big rush to get all the assignments finished up and getting into some hard-core revision in order to prep for the winter finals.

(Is there anyone else who has their mid-term exams before the winter holidays rather than after?)

And now I have found another reason to blog, one of the two only reasons, procrastination.

(The other is boredom, obviously)

And I cannot wait to get the next two weeks out of the way and then have three GLORIOUS weeks to breathe, get my notes together and enter the New Year prepared and fresh. Though, knowing me I’ll be hungover and hiding away from the world.

I haven’t been genuinely hungover in several months now. And it’s not due to lack of drinking, I’ve just gotten a little older and now understand why grown-ups feel the need to have a pint/glass of wine or two at the end of each day.

Because adult life it puwar shite. And I’m supposed to be a fucking student!

(Damn me wasting all my time drinking and clubbing in my late teens/early 20’s. I’m really suffering for it now playing catch up with my studies. -_-)

But fuck it, if there’s anyone who has a genuine interest in electronics and essay writing then please get in contact and I shall pay you in beer… or IOU’s for beer, redeemable upon my graduation and employment in a job that doesn’t include me waiting tables and listening to farmers complaining about the decreasing price of milk.

Now I guess I better get back to work… I keep a photograph of my Nan’s Christmas Dinner beautifully framed within my mind to help get me through this time, before I go I will quickly procrastinate further by creating a countdown clock for when I shall be sat at the dinner table awaiting fruits of her labour.

(Me Nan's lovely labour-fruits)

Tra for now kids!

Corky xx

Come play… in Copenhagen.

It has been several weeks since I had the pleasure to visit potentially one of the most beautiful capital cities in Europe, Copenhagen.

Me and my boyfriend flew via Ryanair on a Boeing 737-800.

(I’m pretty sure this is the only aircraft type for Ryanair’s entire fleet!) 

On the day following the events in Paris on the 13^th of November. If anything we were feeling a little worried, I’m a pretty seasoned flyer so I’ve never had any fears before, but watching so many armed police walking around the airport put me on edge a little.

Then I remembered that I was at Luton Airport, literally the shittest airport in the UK, so I doubt it would be on any list of places to be attacked considering it is within 100miles of the 4 superior “London” airports. 

After I gouged down on a Bacon Double Cheeseburger my attention was taken by a more pressing issue, my bowels.

After a good half an hour or so I came up for air and was good to go. We got on a plane and flew to Denmark. It was a fairly uneventful journey except when the aircraft was coming to land and the aircraft did a U-turn after flying over the city at low altitude now above the sea. You could literally see the tide crashing against the shore as we were in a pretty steep U-ie. That was pretty awesome.

Then we landed, and we were in sheer awe of how beautiful and awesome Copenhagen airport was! 

Also heads up, if you’re travelling from the UK to Denmark, get your currency there, we were ripped off about £20 by changing our money at the Post Office. You can get a much better rate at the airport believe it or not!

Then we headed straight for town, incredibly, within 15 minutes we went from the airport to Copenhagen Central Station (and unlike Berlin, it WAS literally idiot-proof). 

As soon as we walked out into the street we could see a sea of cyclists going about their business on their own dedicated pathways, it was an amazing sight to see, the size of the main roads are pretty huge too, its amazing the differences in European cities that have developed and grown after the wide adoption of the auto mobile as a main form of transport. 

Cities like Copenhagen and Berlin just make more sense in that way, something the more western countries could learn from, though it’s probably too late now.

We also caught sight of the impressive Tivoli Gardens, which I insisted that we needed to visit as a top priority, but we needed to walk towards our hostel, as travelling had taken its toll on our little bodies and we wanted to be fresh for our first day of exploring. 

We stayed at the Bedwood Hostel for two nights, and it was a very cosy and chic looking establishment. Funnily enough looking at the reviews people seemed to complain about the lack of shower facilities, when we were staying the entire hostel was fully booked and I assure you that we had no problems at all regarding any of the facilities. 

There was also a really cool hand towel dispenser, where you had to wave in front of it and it gave you towel paper, unfortunately due to this cool alienesque contraption, we probably ended up using a tree’s worth of paper before the novelty wore off.

Anyway, once we were in and settled, we thought we should go for a little exploration, it was kind of mad to think that our hostel was literally a 5 minute walk straight down the road to the French Embassy. So many flowers, candles, notes and soft toys had been laid there and the flags were flown at half-mast. 

Maybe I was just tired, but something in me just balled up and my eyes were streaming beyond any masking possibilities. I think I was not only emotional about what happened but also happy that people so far away took the time to write the messages and show their respect for a fellow nation who had dealt with such a tragic situation. It was truly a beautiful and powerful sight. And it spoke volumes about Danes as a people, I fell in love with the city there and then.

Over the following two days we toured the city, with the lovely Roger as our guide, if you want to learn about the city I’d highly recommend the Green Umbrella Tours. They’re free, though I’d recommend that you have some money with you as a form of a tip, though this is by no means compulsory. 

We wandered the food stalls, the bars, the river, Christian the 4^th’s Palace and Gardens, the universities observatory & other buildings, the Christmas markets and the highlight of the visit, the Tivoli Gardens. 

There was a water and lightshow, where it appears that the water is dancing to the music of the Nutcracker. I literally felt like I was in some sort of fairy tale. We were lucky enough to be joined by Kamils friends who happened to live only 30 minutes away in Malmo, Sweden. He worked with Ann in hospitality in Manchester and she was from Malmo and had returned home as (like the rest of us) she had gotten sick of Manchester.

It was really cool considering how close they were yet they were in a different country (it’s not like England and Scotland, they have a different Language, Currency, everything).

Ann and Rubin made our trip so special, it’s amazing how much of a difference it makes to meet up with friends abroad. Plus Kamil hates fairground rides, so Rubin took one for the team by getting on a few with me. He’s a good lad. 

We let Ann off since she was heavily pregnant, I personally thought it might have been a good idea for her to go on a ride, help the baby get a move on and all that, but apparently that is irresponsible. This is why I am not ready for children myself.

But yeah, Copenhagen also has Boris Bikes that make Boris Bikes look like Bloody Ratchet Bikes in comparison.

We then went home, and cried. I could honestly write so much more but I don't think anyone is reading this anymore, so yeah, we went home.

Denmark, we love you.

Kamil & Corky xx

Come play… With blog reunion/life updates.

It’s funny I always used to think that my favourite time of year was the season of summer. However as I have gotten older I have come to realise that is isn’t the case at all. I spend all of my time at home sweating like a pig because in Britain we haven’t decided that it is quite hot enough, long enough to warrant any AC devices within our homes. Which is bollocks.

This is the first summer that I have spent mostly unemployed bar the odd bit of temp work and I feel like I’m 14 again with the significant amount of acne developing above my brow. Caused by a mixture of sweat and boredom most likely.

Despite this lack of things to do I have still managed to procrastinate my way out of blogging, which I’m really sad about because I read through my old posts and read the thoughts of a unsure and hurting young lady, who is constantly tittering on the cusp between optimism and realism.

University life had not turned out to be all she expected and as a result she dropped out to work full time. Gaining employment within a series of customer service environments where no matter how many hours she worked she could still not cover the bills and rent. To this day she is still probably being chased by a certain local authority, whom of which she used to avoid paying council tax to.

However over the last year my life has been pretty incredible, I’ve had opportunities which had never presented themselves prior to now. Last August Kamil and I toured the country, 6 cities (Glasgow, Edinburgh, Newcastle, Brighton, London & Bristol) in 7 days, 1050miles, mostly on Megabus.

That was a sweet holiday, though by the time we made it to our final destination in Bristol, Kamil passed out on the SS Great Britain and I had to drag him back to the hostel. I guess the previous 6 days of travelling just took its toll on him. So we decided that we would revisit Bristol at some point but to this day 1 year on we still haven’t gotten around to it.

But after that we moved from Manchester to Newmarket, I started Uni again for the second time and we got jobs outside of customer service. Newmarket was a bit crap so we moved to a village on the outskirts of Cambridge. We got an Astra called Roxie (think Police) and a pair of ratties called Vince and Jules (think Pulp Fiction). And we’ve all lived happily ever after thus far.

I had a pretty devastating personal loss in April, unfortunately in the middle of my exams, so I had to re-sit two of my exams at the back end of May. Considering everything I’m still so proud that I managed to get through and pass them all on the first attempt, it was a really tough time for me but I know that over the past 4 years I’d worked so hard to get to that point, so I just did the best I could, and that was enough.

It definitely signified the worthwhileness of staying back until midnight at uni to get all my assignments in on time; and finished to a standard that was not only acceptable but that I was proud to have my name attached to the cover sheet.

Kamil and I also went on a tour this year in May (it was a busy month) around Poland, but started our journey in Berlin. It was an amazing adventure and we both decided by the end that when I graduate it was going to be a toss-up between Berlin and Wroclaw as to where we would move next.

I think Berlin still wins just because German is a much easier language for me to pick up and for now the wages are still significantly higher in western Europe, and I kind of hope it stays that way just for the fact that you can get a pack of Lucky Strikes in Poland for 14zl, or £2.50. Also Kamil has lived in Wroclaw before so it’s always better to live somewhere new for both of us. Frankly I’d love to share more about this trip, but we made a video vlog of our journey which is still being edited. I feel it tells the story better.

In more recent news I passed my first year with a grade above my personal target of 63% (I just wanted a strong 2:1 this year, anything else extra was a bonus), and I finally achieved my dream of purchasing my very own Vespa. Her name is Martha (think The Beatles) and she is currently in storage with my uncle until I pass (hopefully!) my CBT on Thursday.

I went on and on last year about getting a scooter at uni and I’m glad to say that I officially own one; after the past 9 months of doing 7 day weeks between uni and work in order to save up! Unfortunately now I am skint, but I presume that she’ll be my most extravagant purchase prior to graduation. So in that sense she was worth it :)

So as you can see life has been pretty amazing. It’s funny how you only really feel the need to write down your thoughts when you’re sad, I guess I’m not really one for taking selfies either (Kamil is in charge of that). Though people take the piss out of others taking photos of themselves I love looking back at photographs of when we first got together and how exciting the whole scenario was. I guess it’s been a rarity for me to be so happy for this long that I feel the need to take it in rather than constantly document it.

But I guess now I’ve realised how important it is to do so, so through the bad days you can re-read these memories from when they were fresh to provide prospective and get you through.

I will definitely try to keep this up. And hopefully it won’t be so long next time.

Bye for now!

Corky xx

Come play… With Anxiety

As I’m writing this, I find myself with a strange sense of uneasiness. I found myself yawning almost constantly, with my heart feeling like its racing, fingers tingling, and almost certain that I’m dying.

I’ve grown to hate my job, I nearly had a breakdown (actually, I had an ACTUAL breakdown) at the prospect of even entering that office. I’m always fine by the time I get in there, and when I’m leaving I feel like I want to crawl up in a ball and never be disturbed. Either that or shop until I’ve spent the days earnings on another bag or pair of shoes. Which renders the whole exercise entirely pointless.

The job itself isn’t even all that difficult, I just find myself forgetting stupid things, and I have the inherent need to be the best, the most efficient, always moving forward. But as I’m working so hard through the week at uni, it feels like every weekend it feels like a month since I’ve last been in there. So I find myself constantly having to relearn my job.

And then when I make mistakes it is always noticed almost immediately and I am penalised for it, rather than anyone actually looking into why I make said mistakes and offering support and advice into how to combat these issues.

But instead I feel like a huge failure, and to make it worse my managers like to remind me of that fact each and every shift. My confidence is at its lowest point and I’m constantly wishing that I could be anywhere other than where I am. I find myself feeling like I’m going to have a panic attack every Saturday morning, and I cannot wait until I can get back to uni and spend my days feeling fulfilled and positive. Rather than lost and withdrawn.

One of my lecturers told us that he’s never had a job that he hated, because life’s too short, especially when you spend the majority of your conscious existence working. And you cannot be the best you can be when you hate what you do.

Every shift for the last month I’ve told myself I’ve got to hand my notice in. But that would admit that I failed. I know that any of my old mentors would tell me that it’s not I who failed, it is they, who failed me, for not having the capability to assume the slightest bit of compassion to an employee whose spirit they have completely crushed with their lack of acknowledgement of what they are putting us through on a daily basis.

Perhaps I’ve just been spoilt by working with companies that actually value the people who are making them money. Then again that explains why they were multimillion pound businesses while these guys are struggling to break-even.

I think the fact that I’ve spent the length of time to pine over the matter to the extent of spending my Saturday night writing this short essay is reason enough for me to let this go down as a moment in history where I made the wrong decision and take from the experience that I shouldn’t accept a job just because the pay is half decent.

Well. Lesson learned.

Come play... With being suffocated by routine.

I'm finding myself feel like something  needs to desperately change as soon as possible. I am being driven to madness by the monotony of my days. Uni, dinner, bed (x4) work, dinner, bed (x2) with Mondays off to do nothing because I  need a whole day to get that done.

I wish I could travel like I used to. I think it might be time to invest in a railcard so I  can see my homegirls that I miss so much.

I feel like I'm living in a sausage factory and I'm getting strangled by them.

I just need a girl in my life that I can be  comfortable to be as hormonal as fuck around and they'd understand. Instead of constantly feeling paranoid and fucked up because I'm on medication which is known to exasperate the symptoms of  schizophrenia as well as replicate those with bipolar.

I just feel like my life is just killing me, crushing me slowly into this abyss of depression which I need to get out of  somehow.

I'm on steroids for my asthma at the  moment because I couldn't breathe comfortably, for several weeks. So I went to the doctors last friday and he prescribed me with Prednisolone tablets  (steroids).

Unfortunately the side effects are fucking  awful, probably explaining why I feel the way I feel and why I am not coping very well.

The main side effects of these pills are on the attached leaflet.

They state that steroids including these tablets can cause serious mental health problems. These are common in both adults and children they can affect about 5 in every 100 people taking medicines. The examples they provided are:

Feeling depressed including thinking about suicide.

Feeling high (mania) or moods that go up and down.

Feeling anxious, having problems sleeping, difficulty in thinking or being confused and losing your memory.

Feeling, seeing or hearing things which do not exist. Having strange and frightening thoughts, changing how you act or having feelings of being alone.

Definitely feel like I've had a mix of all of the above over the past week on the roids. Perhaps I should probably ask for something else.

On the upside i've been able to breathe though so it's always a juggling act isn't it? Mental health or physical health? Which one is more important?

Drugs are bad kids!

I'm probably completely fine but in the meantime company might be good right now.

Bye.