come play with... breathing.

I am so happy to be living, in this time, in this space, taking each and every day as it comes. breathing.

life is full of beauty, be it people, or imagery, it's the little things, that make this time so precious, so special.

i feel bad for the fallen, for those who never had the time, to experience what i have.

the pain, the loss of a loved one, believing that id never be whole without you in my life, but instead, you had the life i could only dream of, experiences that i will never experience, a life that i will never lead.

and i'll spend the rest of my life, inadvertently emulating your mistakes, your highs and lows, times change, but emotions stay the same, i believe.

as long as i keep breathing, i'll feel your presence, in my mind you're with me, and thats all that matters.

i'll take hold of each and every day, till my breathing ends. with you.

Come play... with Aunt Flo

Words cannot comprehend how much pain I am in due to the visit of my aunt, yet I am so overjoyed for her visit, after a mind-numbingly gruelling week of waiting for her arrival. My initial thoughts were, oh fuck, can't be preggo, so I took not one, but FIVE tests, and they all came back negative. 

So if that wasn't it, what was wrong?! Then I spoke with my colleague at work who told me that her daughter hadn't had one for two years when she was around my age due to yo-yo dieting. 

I have to admit, I had quite a bad body-image for a while, I think it was because my ex called me a whale on several occasions after we broke up, mind you she was a feeder, so it makes sense that by her losing me the only way she could make herself feel better would be to attempt to bring me down due to my weight. Which is ironic due to the fact that even despite my weight gain I was/still am hotter than anyone else she was ever going to get. It's a hard life in the lesbian world, especially when the butch ones try to push all the bisexuals away by labelling them as 'greedy cock-munchers' or whatever. 

But yes, I have spent the last few months checking my weight pretty much every day, and I went from eating tiny portions daily, to purging 3 or 4 times a week, and starving the rest. So in hindsight I can see why my body is pissed and took so long to get it's act together. 

I think I'm going to have to take the scales out of my room and stop being so obsessive about my weight/appearance, I didn't even think it was that bad but I guess these things kind of manifest themselves on their own. 

Well, I am off to cry on my way to work, I hope someone has some painkillers... or alcohol. 

Bye! xx

Come play... with Being Human.

Wow, I don't know what it is but something just hit me and made me realise how much of a first-class cunt I've been. I told a boy who loved me that I couldn't bare to be around him anymore and stomped on his heart as I gallivanted with various individuals eager to take his place.

I cannot believe how cruel I was and entirely consumed in myself and how the relationship 'damaged' me. But if it was so bad (which it was) why did I drag it out for so long? Why did I keep trying to cling on to something which everyone around us knew didn't work except us? Why did I put him through it?

One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I lost my best friend, loyal, kind and would do anything for anyone, even if he didn't even know you, just because he was that kind of person. I guess I ended up pushing for more than a friendship because I knew that if we didn't because we weren't going to see each other at uni everyday that I would lose him as a friend. And that summer was literally one of the worst ones of my life. Alone, uni drop-out and with no job. Then he came down to see a band and invited me along because he had a spare ticket and was nice like that.

He never hinted that he ever wanted anything more, so why did I think that I had to? I'm even more gutted because the holidays we spent together I'm sure would have still happened had we been friends and probably would have been better because it would have been without the domestics.

Why did it work so well as friends, but after a year in a relationship I could barely stand to be there?

I preferred my logo as the token lesbian of the group, if i'd just stuck to it none of this would have ever happened and we'd all be a lot happier. I guess I just felt like I was fighting a lone battle against everyone around me after we broke up, even though they all knew that it wasn't working and they would deliberately avoid inviting us to nights out because they knew we would be at blows by the end of the night. That alone should have said enough.

I guess being together was easier than being alone even though it; we, didn't work.

I just feel awful for the way I went on, I was childish and selfish and should have had a heart.

I was there once, my first love, we broke up, he got with someone else, and I couldn't handle it, I never did, and bar once, (in a brief get together with friends at home over Christmas '12 where it would have been more awkward for us not to speak than for us to converse the basic pleasantries) we've never spoken in 7 years.

7 whole years.

And I'm STILL not over it fully, and likely never will be because he was my first. There's nothing that you can do about it. But he just cut me off, far less cruel than me, blabbing on the internet about how crap the relationship was. I forget that people other than random Americans (hi) read this. And though I never went out to hurt him, I did, because I'm an arsehole and deserve everything I get.

Well, I'm only human, and we all make mistakes.

I'm just really sorry.

Come play... with the Future.

When I entered this year, with two of my most favourite people in the entire world, I looked up at the firework display in Piccadilly Gardens and felt elated with joy, super dooper excited to enter the new year. I had no plans, nothing to essentially look forward to at all really, but I was happy in the company I was in and just excited to know that I could afford to buy another drink!

It was only after a few days in 2014. I lulled. Back into this weird thing that I've got going on where as I have an immense amount of free time and nothing in particular to do with it. It's weird though because at a time when I barely had a minute to think I dreaded going back to my, frankly lovely boyfriend. I just needed the time, and the space alone, which being in the relationship that I was in, was impossible.

If anything the only reason I went for a replacement (I wasn't looking, but the only reason I really considered the idea) was because the ending of the relationship coincided with the end of the course I was on. I realised that just because I had settled into the relationship (because it was easy, filled with flaws that I couldn't be bothered to work on because I couldn't deal with the conflict); didn't mean that I had to settle with a course just because it was easy, and I didn't want to deal with a little work.

But really, what was wrong, was the fact that I shouldn't have to deal with both. So I had to make a choice!

I was asked out on a date with a guy I'd fancied the pants off at work, and it felt pretty good, I'm not going to lie.

But I've just sent off my application to UCAS application, and I can imagine that this is what it feels like to be proposed to, considering that most marriages end after 4/5 years anyway, this is the academic version. And this is, without a doubt, the BEST feeling in the world. I feel like I could take on the world! Literally bouncing off the walls and nothing comes even remotely close to this feeling.

Just to consider the fact that I have something to look forward to other than another year of mind-numbingly boring work and disappointing dates is pretty ace.

But no. This year, I'm going to be single, because I fucking love it, I love the fact that I pulled three people on Tuesday night! Yes, one of them was an 18 year old who'd just gotten out of prison, and the other two were fabulous, but very clearly straight girls, but it was awesome, and I ended up on a dear friends sofa, where I belong.

In the meantime I will be getting myself reaquainted with A-level maths and physics, but I have 9 months to kill before the hard work begins. And I will NOT be wasting it away.

Oh my fucking god. I'm game as fuck for the future! Come at me bitch! :D

Come Play... with Loneliness.

I find it difficult to comprehend the idea of calling for help, it seems that the more isolated you become, the less willing you are to resolve the situation, or to seek some form of resolution. I guess the reason that I've spent the last 3 years of my life in long-term relationships is because I truly dislike my own company. I have no drive to improve my outlook though if I ever have a friend in need I'd do all I could to try to make them feel better, regardless of my own feelings at the time.

I guess that's why I have a tendency to date people who are more insecure than I am, or who are more vocal about it anyway, so I can make them feel better and in turn, make myself feel better. Though telling someone their beautiful never cuts through and you spend your life trying to make them see what you see and eventually get fed up trying as you realise that they just want to moan and bend your ear.

I really miss having a decent group of friends around me, who I could call up and they would already be down the local bar with everyone that you've known and loved for up to ten years. I always laugh at people who moan about how shit shields is and that they cannot wait to leave, yet they never will, because it is comfortable. Because you're surrounded by people who love and care about you. Why wouldn't you stay?

As I enter this new year I am as lonely as I have ever been. It's not the city itself that I dislike really, I actually really like Manchester, it has a lot of promise. It's just that I fucked everything up by feeling the need to start relationships with just about anyone who'll give me the time of day. When all I really need is a friend. But it's just a little too late for that now.

I've found myself looking for Jobs in London for the summer and am currently in the process of wishing my life away. I've been messed about and slagged off by just about everyone around me. For being me. And I don't think it's possible to feel any lower. I just want to go home.

Come Play With... 2014

Good evening to you all.

It has been brought to my attention that about this time of year people come up with these weird things called 'Resolutions' or something, where they generally set themselves some sort of unachievable target (or non-scalable i.e being nicer, wtf) and then by the end of the month are back to square one. Still smoking and still fat.

Well this year, my initial thoughts on a resolution were to be 'a proper lad and to give none of the fucks for 2014' which is a good idea in theory, except for the fact that... and believe it or not... I have a vagina.

Henceforth due to this I have decided that for my New Years Resolution I shall not set up a New Years Resolution. Because I never keep to them anyway and frankly, if anything I spent a good chunk of the last year trying to be sweet, compassionate and empathetic and self-less. But I am none of these things!

I'd say if I made it to 2015 without a kid that would be ace, but I don't want to jinx it. And if I wasn't still living in Manchester that would be cool too, but for some reason I'm not holding my breath just yet.

All I'm going to do is just keep going down the downward spiral that is my life, still frustrated and stunted; still alone and bitter.

Happy 2014.