Come Play… With Workplace Development

It’s been a tough day at work. Being bogged down with reports after reports after updates after updates after updating parts after updating parts.

Though, the one thing I love about my job, it that it’s constantly challenging me in new ways, learning how to use new systems, improving my excel skills, communicating with clients & engineers and forever expanding my mind to the running of a youngling company.

I love that my role is blurred and my reach and depth in the world of planning and project management is growing not by the week, not even by the day, but by the hour.

I take pleasure in developing my skill set, whatever field it may be in, I love that for the first time in my life I am finally doing myself justice and being successful in my university studies, with two exams obtaining a 1^st with 80% in each, and a not too shabby 68% for my first university-standard essay in three years.

I love that I’m finally in a position where I can afford to learn how to drive, and getting to know my driving instructor as we coast around the beautiful Cambridgeshire countryside (stall-free, might I add!).

And I love taking pride in my work, going the extra mile, and surprising myself at the end of each day, week, and month looking back on what I’ve achieved. I’ve done more with myself in the past 3 months than I had done in the last 3 years prior, and I am fulfilled in these accomplishments; they drive me to always keep moving forward.

I’m 23, I’m not old yet! Despite what the children on my course might say ;)

Though with this massive boost in motivation, I feel like I’m really battling with some of my colleagues to feel the same. And I understand where they’re coming from, I really do, but there is nothing worse than becoming stuck in a rut.

A particular colleague today sent me an email complaining about how I had not kept her informed on the goings on with one of ‘her’ engineer’s calls over the weekend. She felt saddened and humiliated that I hadn’t kept her in check. I understand what it’s like getting frustrated with the lack of communication in the office, it’s a young company, and there are some very definite teething problems.

However the reason I hadn’t informed her was due to the fact I had taken ownership of the issue, being the only member of staff working over the weekend, and dealt with it, therefore it seemed that there was no need to waste time that I didn’t have sending unnecessary updates.

I apologised for my lack of judgement with the situation, and I suggested that I had updated the notes on the clients database, and suggested that she should be trained to use the system so that if she had any problems in the future, she could read the reports that I spend hours typing up and then the problem wouldn’t occur again.

She responded with a defensive email about how it wasn’t her job to use that system. Providing no further constructive comments to the discussion.

She’d rather have a go at me than develop her skillset, which with time she could use as a bargaining tool for a pay rise or promotion. I don’t understand this at all. I learnt how to do her job over the weekends, therefore making me the only member of staff currently trained on not only logging, closing calls, reporting and logging the transfer of parts, but also to schedule them as well. And being well-versed in the use of all of these systems makes my job a hell of a lot easier. It also prevents me from becoming complacent, because when you find yourself doing the same job over and over again, you become complacent, which subsequently leads to you becoming bored, which can finally lead to you hating your job and becoming depressed. Why wouldn’t you want to mix things up a little?

The mind boggles. But I guess this is why people like that never get anywhere and end up resenting those who do. Fuck it. I’ll see her in 10 years when I’m driving through town in my Aston Martin.

Expand your mind. So you can get a nice car when you’re older. And therefore prevent depression. I’ve just cured all of the world’s problems. 

Just fucking do it!

Come Play... And Feed Bob Geldof!

Unless you've been living in a hole the past few days you may have heard that Wor Bob is releasing, yet another version of Band Aids 'Do they know it's Christmas?'. I for one must object to this nauseating attempt at this knob dragging this bandwagon any further.

This is an attempt to yet again raise his profile amongst the people who frankly no longer give a shit about his apparent humanitarian efforts. Hiding his desperation for attention in an Ebola blanket. The first time I heard about it, I genuinely laughed out loud, surely everyone else can see this and not only me?

It's a massive scam.

Talking about raising money for a good cause? I have a better idea.

How about boycotting this desperate cry for attention and just donating straight to the source?

Cutting out the money paid to the studios, production team, and I'm sure the 'celebrities' will be getting nice little handouts of their own over this; as well as the advertising agencies, the record label, producers... The numbers are endless of the people who will be taking a cut before pittance will actually be donated in aid.

This may once have started as a noble and just cause, raising money for aid efforts. But that was in 1984. Now it's time to come up with something fresh and original, rather than regurgitating a shit song which was as equally as shit and inaccurate then, as it is now.

I for one will not be purchasing this song. and I urge you all to do the same. If anything they should force you to have to listen to that song on repeat until you donate, I'm sure that would raise far more money.

Right, rant over.

Come play... with what happiness is.

While travelling home from work yesterday I laughed at my sweet colleague who is newly in love with her boyfriend of 3 weeks. Though the journey I'd make jokes at how they would literally have text conversations spanning several hours merely informing each other that they miss and love each other very much, with the customary multitude of kisses to affirm such statements. While in conversation with another colleague, aside from our humour picking apart the holes in young love and the laughable fallacy of the true nature of the term, my other colleague talked about how she is finally in a relationship where she is truly comfortable, and with this in addition to her life accomplishments so far (career-related ;).

She is by far the happiest now that she has ever been by far, though she no longer lives in Dubai as she had outgrown her original profession, and her family live in Europe (proper Europe) so she can only communicate with them time to time through Skype as she also works 14-16 hour days so barely has any time for herself, never mind her relationship. But despite all this, she is 100%, completely happy and feels whole.

We discussed the damaging repercussions of controlling relationships (which our young companion spoke so freely about, she’s been with her boyfriend for 3 weeks, and he has already told her that she is fat and needs to go to the gym, along with texting her constantly asking to come over to hers, at 17 that seems a bit young to be so controlling, I thought that was something that generally came with age... to a point) and how by spending your life treading over egg-shells in a controlling relationship can cast a shadow over any joy that even other aspects of your life should bring to you. I guess games are for kids, and this includes mind games.

But the majority of the people I have courted over the years have generally (always- at first) been really kind and loving and respectful, I have been in 2 relationships which were completely overbearing (hence why I said always, at first) and went from lovely niceness to horrible, controlling, blockading the only exit after an argument which was usually over me wanting to spend time with my friends without them, because they didn't like them because they never let me 'play out'.

But I guess you need these experiences so that once you finally meet someone who really treats you right, is there for you for whatever you need and trusts you to have friendships outside, as well as within the relationship, with no grief, only stories, along with being willing to follow you to the ends of the Earth; then you will realise what a rare and beautiful creature you have had the pleasure and luck to meet and won't squish their hearts because they're "too nice" or whatever.

There are plenty of dickheads in the world, a lot of them with a lot of money, but what you really want, is to be with someone who is happy to stand by you and help you nurture your own future, to enable you to be the best you can be, then you can both be rich one day and not have the awkward situation of having to feel like you are owned by the other person because they contribute more financially to the relationship. I could not imagine a worst outcome, it's situations like this which make the 'bread-winners' of a relationship believe that it is alright to indulge in a little domestic violence since the other party would not be able to survive independently...

Wow, what a depressing tangent.

Anyway, our conclusion was, that what made us truly happy, was that we were in relationships which did not rule our lives in anyway, and had we not been in them then nothing would be any different in any other aspect of our lives, but it was just nice to have someone to come home to, to go for a walk with, to eat with or to travel with. To have a companion in life who makes you smile every morning. And to know that you're loved. That's what happiness is to me.

Come Play. .. With the dickface that is your subconscious mind.

I just saw a picture of someone who wasn't particularly nice to me at school with their current spouse and instantaneously thought 'Haha, their other-halves physical appearance is substandard!' (More eloquently worded here of course). And after less than a second after thinking it, I was saddened by the cuntish nature of my own thought.

Earlier today I thought about how much I respected people who were just happy to accept themselves for who they were abd had an 'it is what it is' sort of attitude. But how is it possible when people (apparently I) have the mentality to put people down who are very clearly happy because of childhood pettiness.

Other reasons to be like this are because we envy others for their money/success/lifestyle which is why women's "lifestyle" magazines are so popular. But all this mentality does in the end is bring you down when you realise what a horrible, disgusting person you are on the inside. And that anyone who even thinks like this or even worse speaks out about it needs to have a good hard look in the mirror and rediscover themselves and their heart.

To find happiness and humour in picking apart another person is a hollow and damaging exercise. At least once you're able to acknowledge that you're doing it you can take steps to make a change.

For me it starts by writing it down.

For you I hope it starts with this post.

Let's make a change and grow.

From now on I'm going to spend at least one minute of my day thinking about what makes someone I know beautiful (by nature) and if possible see if I can adopt that mentality or take something from it.

Maybe you can try it too and make the world a little less douchie :)

Till next time,

Much love,

Corky xx

Come play... With a Change of Pace

Well this summer was very eventful indeed, honestly really annoyed that I didn't keep up with blogging, especially while on my travels. I guess sometimes you can be too busy living your life to get around to documenting it.

Well since I last updated. I moved from Rusholme to Withington for two months, my tenancy ended on my shared house and uni doesn't start till next week, so I had a gap to bridge, usually I'd sofa-surf up norf but I was still working at LateRooms, and having a job can be really handy when you're low on funds. (Thank god I have the guarantee of not having council tax sting me for the next 4 years, that shit literally pained me, srsly.)

So my boyfriend and his lovely flatmates were happy to take me in for those two months, the cheapest rent I've had to pay since I lived in Newcastle (Manchester student digs rates are crazy high) and I got to hammer my accumulated holidays (since I only took 3 days off all year till July). I took a week off in the second week of July to have a breather from full-time work life and then the first week in August to travel the country. 

We thought it would be a good idea to visit Scotland then just in case we'd need a visa for our next visit. Thankfully we're still united, for now, although to be honest I'd have been happy to put back up the original border and join them in their new independence free from the Mickey Mouse bureaucracy of Westminster and the monopolisation of the country’s finances around the soon-to-be state of Londinia. But hey ho, at least we can be happy to have any hope in hell of kicking the Tories out for the next election, though with me currently living in west Suffolk I wouldn't be surprised if my vote was the only one which wasn't blue.

Enough about politics.

After our sweet getaway (pictures are on Facebook) we sessioned work for one more month before we left Mancunia for good, to move to the south, I always said I'd end up back down here, though I didn't expect it to take 10 years, but the great thing about living in Newmarket is that we've got Cambridge and Bury St Edmunds on our doorstep, but we're pretty much isolated from city-esque civilisation, the main upside being, that I no longer have any urges to spend stupid amounts of money on clothes and make up. I never realised how bad Manchester was for having adverts ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE! And fuck me did they work! 

But here I'm so content just wondering the countryside, going on bike rides and being practically naked the majority of the time, I think today was the first day it rained since we moved two weeks ago, it was not missed. 

So now I'm sat here, just about caught up, well not really, but this is starting to feel like an essay and I am missing Pokémon on Netflix which I really must get back to.

So ciao for now!

Come Play... with moving as far away from Rusholme as possible.

It's that time of year when your tenancy ends and the place that you've called home for the past 12 months becomes history. You take the lessons learned from living in a certain area/with certain people/paying a certain amount to live there and reflect on your experiences and lessons from being there.

Well I learnt that Rusholme is a less than desirable place to live in, that you cannot wander the streets past the watershed in a dress/skirt and not be propositioned by the local community for a bit of the old fellatio.

That each day cycling on the curry mile is a gamble with young men speeding down the street chasing after you like a bowling pin.

That it is perfectly acceptable to break into someone's house and have absolutely no potential to ever get caught due to the police giving absolutely zero fucks for the residents wellbeing and are too busy avoiding/ignoring the very blatant local drug dealers.

That each morning the streets reek of rotten meat and vomit and that the stench only gets worse throughout the day.

That absolutely nobody cares about one another, that the young and illiterate are left to run riot and prey on the meek and the old... and the politically correct.

This is not a multicultural place, it's a series of ghettos and dives where no one takes pride in where they live. The only place where there is a rat and pigeon obesity epidemic and where people are too scared to talk to one another for fear of being stabbed, shot or having acid thrown in their face.

What's sad is anyone who moves there never stays for very long, because it's easier to move somewhere better than to recognise and fix the deep, damaging and depressing issues that are associated with living in such a tiny area of the country. And those unable to leave will produce offspring that will either leave as soon as possible, or contribute in continuing the cycle.

I guess you can't help those who don't want to help themselves, and I don't ever want to be scared to be in my own home alone again.

So here's to moving, it can't get any worse surely?

Come Play... With what matters.

Sometimes you find yourself feeling bogged down with your daily commitments. Your job, your bills and rent, possibly your dependants, or lack thereof.

And that's okay. We all feel this way from time to time; living each day just working to survive, and becoming lost.

Feeling sorry for yourself due to your shit job, lack of progression, in work and in life.

For losing people who you were once close with. For having the carpet swept from under your feet and having your world constantly change around you. For losing touch with your close ones. For losing touch with yourself.

The only thing you can do is breathe and take in the world around you. Cherish a beautiful day, or a song you find yourself obsessed with. Lose yourself in your passions and the people you love.

When times get hard, don't give up. Stay true to yourself and what you believe to be right. And stop trying to please everyone, there will be people that you won't see eye to eye with, or people who you drift away from. And that's okay too, because that's life.

The day you stop trying to please everyone around you, is the day you'll find peace. And stay in touch with your family, they're the only people in your life that you don't choose to be around, and the only constant forces in your life.

I hate that I find it so hard to keep in touch, life happens and before you know it your best childhood friend becomes a stranger. Social networking sites are good to let you know that they're doing well, but bad as they stop you from having a reason to ask how they are, what they've been up to?

I spend 40 hours a week in an office doing a job I have grown to dislike, not for the job itself but for the politics involved.  As a part timer I was often forgotten about and just left to do the job. Things were better then.

Everyone tells me to stop worrying, at least when I leave the office. I'm gone.

I am trying so hard to stop being so emotionally-involved in a job which provides little substantial growth and is run by people who don't care about the welfare of their staff.

What should be important to you is the remaining 7 hours of consciousness in your day. To make time for those who care about you. There may come a time when they're no longer in your life, for many reasons, so treasure the moment.

While you still can.

Come play... With Bicycles!

As the days are starting to get a little longer and the Sun has began to show it's face I've decided that I no longer have an excuse and must consider a cheaper form of transport with me being ever-growingly skint due to tax issues and with the summer holls coming up.

So I've taken my bike out of my house, given it a good dusting down and braced myself for a world of pain with regards to getting back into shape. And if I'm honest, it's been nowhere near as bad as predicted. I've got more energy than I ever remember having, my legs are like steel and I've never been in better shape in my life! I thought cellulite was hereditary... turns out it is just a consequence of being a fat lazy git!

I've got even more time for other activities too (sleep)! As today I've just smashed my record and managed to cycle to work in 15 minutes. That's just shy of 5 miles! Not too bad for my only drive to push myself is being scared of being late for work. I find this works better than just having the sole goal of losing weight/building muscle mass/getting healthy, and I'm inherently lazy and these motives just do not apply. I need to get to work, having a great body is just a pleasant repercussion of this.

I also love finding myself passing several buses on my travels, especially when they're stuck in traffic and you can see the annoyance on the passengers faces, I used to be that person. Then I got a bike.

Also I have the privilege of eating cake for breakfast, pizza for lunch and pie for tea. A healthy diet very evidently comes second to exercise. I could eat healthier and probably have the body of a god within a month. But I wouldn't want to make everyone look bad.

The only negative effect cycling gives is an inflated ego. But it's one I'm willing to live with.

Get on yer bikes people! Or don't and be well jell of my amazing body ;)

I believe this is a good place to end.

Enjoy this amazing hit about a man who loves to ride his bike:

Byeeee xxx  

Come Play... Trapped but free

Strapped into a chair
Looking out onto sunny skies
Looking out on to grassy fields
Trapped but free
This modern form of travelling
Strapped in with anticipation
Breathing in the liberation
Supplied from the vents above
Keeping us from suffocation
Trapped but free
Boredom strikes
Igniting the senses
Moving under no pretences
Spontaneity is key
Trapped but free
Knowing where we've come from
Where we're going is still a mystery
A destination is only a noun
A description not fit for me
Only the visual suffices
Exploration is key
Im trapped, but I'm free.

Come play... With a Lover.

I've finally gotten to a point in my life where I've realised what I want. A companion, a friend, a lover, a fellow jauntier who has a distinct dislike for the norm and who will follow me to the ends of the earth on my travels, either that or someone who may be the opposite, but who I can bring out of their shell and show them the world as the playground it really is.

Several of the people I've dated recently all came back to the same reason (amongst others, but this being the key factor) for why they didn't want to be with me.

I'm moving, we'd have an expiry date, they're afraid of getting hurt, that it would only be temporary, etc.

My only argument to that is, life is temporary.

You never know how long you've got, so when you fall for someone, fall hard, when you think of a stupid idea, do it! And when you get hurt, cry until the hours merge into one gigantic mass of complete and utter despair, and when you awake in the morning, begin anew.

Love, Joy, Pain, Suffering.

If you're not feeling at least one of these emotions then frankly, you're not living, in order to pursue happiness, you must peruse life, and you cannot do this if you're constantly afraid to try new things, be it experiences or people.

There is only one thing in my mind that is preventing me from being truly happy within this moment, and that is my desperate need for consistency and stability in a partner. I could only dream of being lucky enough to be able to just follow wherever my libido took me and to find my adventures taking place in a different room every morning/early afternoon.

But unfortunately, due to the singular error in my DNA. I am a serial monogamist.

A young man I was dating recently told me on several occasions that he thought that all of the things would be well in my world, if I was loved. I instantly thought ‘you’re sodding right Mr Genius because that’s a situation unique to me, obviously’. I later changed my mind and realised that he was wrong due to the following factors…

I've spent the last few years of my life (excluding the last 6 months) in long-term relationships (roughly a year each, one slightly less, the other slightly more) with people that I ended up hurting really badly, due to the fact that they loved me, and I loved them too, but one thing was always missing.

The butterflies, that instantaneous spark, that initial overwhelming feeling that you get the first time that you clock your eyes with someone, and from that moment on, regardless of what you're doing or what you're going through in your life at the time, one thing is guaranteed.

This is going to hurt.

When I broke up with my last long-term partner, they asked me one thing, ‘Is this because of that conversation with that woman that you wrote about yesterday?’

What is ironic is that conversation was about was that she had seen many women through her life, some very successful, who through all their successes in their own lives, had self-selected themselves down into such a tiny group for prospective dates that they ended up alone and lonely anyway, she said that once you get to a certain age, if you're with someone who can make you laugh and void their own bowels without assistance then you’ll be alright.

Link to said blog post:- http://playmeee.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/come-play-with-companionship.html

I found her comments very heart-warming and I agreed with her on many levels, being raised by my grandparents and witnessing their relationship as not love, but coexisting and merely being content in each other’s company; made me realise that the fairy tale fantasy pushed on you through Disney movies as a child is not only a fallacy, but would render you a lonely, lost old cripple if you chased the dream for too long.

So being in the relationship that I was in at the time, she had essentially told me that I should settle, so how would breaking up with my long-term partner correlate with that conversation?! I initially said ‘No! Of course not, I'm just not happy anymore, and you clearly didn't read it/take on board its message.’

However 6 months on I realise, he was completely right, that conversation was the kick start to me plucking up the courage to leave. Because though he was loving, loyal and always very punctual, there was one thing missing.

He never made me laugh.

And though I understand her comments and took her point of view on board, if anything from what she said pushed me further away from the mundane, and reminded me that there once was a time that I was once overwhelmingly, head-over-heels in love with someone, and I'd never trade that experience for anything in the world. I even wrote about it, you can find the post though this link if you're curious:- http://corky91.tumblr.com/post/2063106061/love

The only thing that makes me feel even remotely down about that post, is that I knew more about love at the tender age of 19 then I do now, but one thing I do know now, is that I rather have even a month/week/even a day’s worth of crazy whirlwind romance ending in torturous despair and agony over a year on plopping along through life, semi-content, semi-living.

I'll keep my fingers crossed eh?

Come play... Being 22 and Not Pregnant.

I was going to do this as another vlog but then realised that the lighting is crap in my room so henceforth this shit is getting typed up.

After a non-eventful shift at work, I came home to a quiet house as usual, and pondered YouTube, as you do. I was watching a vlog of one of my favourite youtubers and it turns out she is pregnant, which is cool!

But from there onwards on that creepy old suggestions panel on the side came up with many videos usually within the title included '*Age* (12-14) and PREGNANT'. The videos would usually ensue a long ramble about how they got pregnant, how supportive their so-called 'boyfriends' are, and how they're going to be a big happy family and blah blah.

Some of these videos are several years old and later they've vlogged to update viewers on how their lives did not turn to shit and they are all fine and dandy.

It is these videos that depress me considerably.

You do not deserve to be fine! You should not have been able to have a child at 12, finish school, go to uni and have a great job! You should be pulling your hair out on a regular basis, be crying over how shit your life panned out and be working in a call centre like the stereotype that you are!!!

But no, thats me.

I'm Louise, I'm 22 and not pregnant, and what have I achieved with my life over the past 6 years since I got my own place and became a 'grown up'?

A Merit Pass on a BTEC and a liver that's seen better days.

Shit.

Come Play... By Breaking Down.

For those of whom that I see on a day-to-day basis, this is not a new topic of discussion, if fact, since before I can remember it has always been on my mind constantly niggling at my brain. But now I am on the verge of having a complete meltdown. And am seriously regretting staying in Manchester, living in this house and going back to college.

Over the summer months, before I went to college I was spending £212 a month on council tax, due to living in a Tax Band F house and being the only occupant non-exempt from paying it as I was not a student at the time. I begrudgingly paid it, despite the fact that I was only earning a measly £999.98 per month after tax.

As soon as I started college in September, I stopped my payments, as I went down to part-time hours at work and was registered as a full-time student. This was okay for a while, until the workload started to really get on top of me, being the only student in my class to not be on benefits, I spent my weekends and evenings working so I was able to live, meanwhile they had the time to write their assignments. I'd pull all-nighters after shifts at work in order to meet deadlines, and come in to college wired and senile. I got to a point where something had to give and as I could not quit my job and leave myself broke and impoverished, I had to leave college.

Unfortunately, before I did, I didn't get around to applying for my Tax Exemption.

As I have been working part-time ever since I am just as poor as ever, having to rely on pay day loans in order to make ends meet, I'm not in a position to continue to have £200 a month taken from my wage. I am now receiving numerous letters from the council demanding that not only do I owe them £1,500 from the 13/14 tax year, but that I also owe them a further £2000 for the 14/15 tax year.

On £799 per month, this is not possible and never will be until I get a new job which pays better.

So now I'm freaking out, I'm supposed to be trying to save up for going back to uni next September, and I need to get a passport in order to sign up to uni and for Student Finance, which I currently cannot afford due to the aforementioned reasons.

I've been trying to stay calm about all this for a while and for months I could, but now I am completely breaking down, had I been on benefits I'd not have been eligible to pay council tax, however by working part-time, where I'm just as well-off as I would have been on benefits, I have this huge weight on my shoulders which is ruining my life and relationships with my friends.

On the upside I'm trying to get rid of all of my stuff to move down south in the summer, so by having bailiffs taking everything away does make it easier, but unfortunately the entirety of my collection of 'stuff' would not even equate to a drop in the ocean of what I owe.

At 22 years old I am heavily in debt, and I don't even have anything nice to show for it. I haven't been abroad in just under 10 years, I consider Topshop to be the closest thing to designer clothing, and my cupboards and fridge are bare as I can barely afford food even after pay day.

And what makes it worse, had I never moved in to this house I'd never have had this problem. I don't even have the upside of being close with my flatmates, because I'm not, we're civil and exchange pleasantries day to day, but I'm more of a burden to them than anything else and feel incredibly uncomfortable to be here on most days.

All in all, my life is shit, if my dad wasn't my guarantor I'd be out of here like a shot and live in a bush somewhere, but alas, my obligations come first and I am on the verge of going bankrupt. Fucking joy.

Going to get myself down to citizens advice tomorrow morning to see if anything can be done to improve my situation, but as I've said in the past, I've got nothing left for them to take from me, but I'd rather do time in prison and have a criminal record for tax evasion over having a bad credit rating, maybe they'll be generous and let me do time to pay! Fingers crossed!

Come Play... With City Lights

City Lights

The lights of the earth, outshine the heavens

Glimmering beauty, breathtakingly bright

Skyscrapers, line the nights sky like a dream

Their electricity, blurs out the stars

Man-made, using tools taken from the earth

Functioning, to bring light from the darkness

Safety, from those lurking in the shadows

The city lights, bring warmth into our hearts

I still remember, the day’s way back when

The lights were my solitude, my freedom

They’d lead me to a place, away from home

To begin afresh, to begin anew

Where fear could no longer consume me whole

They protect me, forever, they are my home.

Come Play... Broken

There was a little girl who nobody noticed,

It wasn't her fault that her parents couldn't focus,

She walked the streets, in shoes that didn't fit.

She had to walk from the pain,

The screaming and smashing,

City lights were her liberation,

Step by step till she found a better day.

She didn't understand? How could this happen?

Home is meant to be where the heart is,

But this ones heart, was tired, broken and torn.

She had to walk from the pain,

Getting drenched by the rain,

Hoping that she’d never see this place again

Step by step till she found another way.

Sometimes life, is not forgiving

For that small girl who somehow lost her way.

But, you never know,

oh I wonder whatever happened to that girl.

Who had to walk away, from the pain of living.

Come play... by sleeping your way to the top?

I've recently come to a crashing halt in my enthusiasm for the current place of employment. After 10 months of relatively hard work (as hard as sitting in a call centre booking hotel rooms can be...) I have once again reached the absolute limit with how far I can grow in terms of experience and develop in terms of my skill set.

I am no longer being pushed and even the most complex of complaints are now a complete doddle to sort out and I am feeling stunted. As I have done in the past when I have reached the absolute maximum potential that a singular non-progressional role can provide. If anything my last job was far more intellectually stimulating as a small team of adolescents essentially ran the company from the customer service perspective.
 
How can I progress I wonder? I'm not usually one for gossip, well actually I am. I am human after all and anyone who says that they do not sercumb to the joys of hearing dirt on your peers are bare-faced liars. But anyway, I remember being told by senior members of staff when I started working there that they all worked their way up from the bottom, from where I was, it gave me hope and excitement to believe that with a little hard work I could truly work my way up within a company.

Turns out, allegedly, from a well-informed source. They shagged the MD's and were instantly promoted as some sort of penance for the dissolution of their families through being 'caught out!'.

What a load of fucking bollocks!

All I've learn't is that hardwork and dedication is ignored and opening your legs guarantees you a cushy job with a fancy title and an even fancier pay check. Meanwhile the company is going to shit while the middle and lower management are being taken for granted and are forced to do their dirty work and are picking up the pieces.

And what makes me more sad is the fact that women are still using their bodies in order to get up the career ladder, what message does that send to your daughters? How would you feel knowing that your daughter was the office bike? What the fuck was the point in the whole feminist movement when this is how we have to get ourselves to where we need to be?

Did the suffragettes fuck MPs in order to push through the right to vote? NO! They used their voices! They forced the world to listen! They were willing to put their lives on the line for what they believed in, equality.

And from that this is where we've ended up, I feel like crying for being so disappointed, the real world is a sad place, but I'd rather be poor forever than take a payout from a sleezebag in an expensive suit. Surely we deserve better? Surely the intellect of the modern woman should be valued over her ability to get both your cock and your balls in her mouth?

Very, very disappointed.

And if this is what the services industry as a whole is like then I will be sure to aim for a fucking 1st when I go back to uni, what baffles me is that I find myself teaching the managers how to use Excel and other basic microsoft programs. And then they make us do stupid CV and Interview workshops when clearly most would benefit more from some level 1 ICT classes. Considering the company is web-based you'd expect more.

Once again I've found myself stuck on yet another sinking ship, I've got to get out of here, my colleagues are some of the best people I've ever worked with and some of the greatest friends that I've made here. But after 18 months in customer service. Frankly. I'm sick of dealing with stupid people being stupid. Stupid customers, stupid hotels, stupid lies pouring out from the mouths of management to cover up the fact that the company is failing due to the reasons mentioned above.

I'm done with this bullshit.

Come Play... With Selling Things.

It was the plan to attempt to flog (and end up donating) most of my stuff and just to keep my cool things (i.e XBOX, TV, GAMECUBE, etc) but without any assistance whatsoever this time I doubt I'll be able to muster the strength to trek all this crap down south, even with assistance from the male parental on the otherside.

So I have finally entered the world of eBaying, I'm starting by selling off the bulkiest of my belongings, and the most worthless, my books, most of which I've read several times and have only really kept them for referencing purposes and to make me look more intelligent and middle-class than I am. I am genuinely really sad to be letting some of these go, especially my hilarious 'horrible histories-esque' style books by the likes of Stephen Clarke and John Farrell, and Ayrton Senna's Biography, which I would always grab when I needed a little inspiration. And possibly one of the most important books I've ever received, 'Who Moved My Cheese' by Dr Spencer Johnson, a book which explores the importance of change and why we need to embrace it, in life and in work, in terms of self-help if you're feeling stuck in a rut with your life I recommend this book to be your new Bible, it definitely changed my perception of the world and my life.

And once again I am on the road to locating some new cheese, I just need to get rid of my baggage first, though with a 10-item limit per month on eBay I sense this shall be a long, laborious process and I'm glad to have begun this now as opposed to my standard strategy of chucking everything out last minute (I threw away a genuinely working laptop once just because I had a new one and didn't know that you could bring them in to CEX to trade, I was fuming when I found out I could have gotten £40 for it considering I was completely skint at the time, as I am all of the time).

Feel free to check out my eBay shop, here's the link: http://www.ebay.co.uk/usr/louise.corkin1991

So yay, here's to getting rid of baggage, and making pennies from it too! : D

Bye xx

Come Play... With Change & Goodbyes.

My friend left the business I work for today, it feels so weird to think that he won't be around anymore after seeing him about every day or so for the past 8 months. Then I realise how long it's been and how much time has passed since I moved here.

From starting a new adventure, going to uni, then failing and being the saddest I had ever been up to that point, as an adult anyway; to entering the world of work at Missguided, working stupid hours for minimum wage and still having to borrow money from my then-boyfriend just in order to make ends meet.

Then taking my two fingers and sticking them right up at the company which abused my hard-working nature and stifled my potential, and moved on to the world of Laterooms.

There I've met a wider range of people, from different backgrounds, different countries and all with their own stories to tell. I've not left the UK in almost 10 years, yet I've learn't much about the world through their stories and I'd love the opportunity to live them through my own eyes.

Now after he's left it's really hit home that life is full of change, but what's more strange for me is that I'm used to leaving other people's lives, not having it be the other way round, we've got it pretty cushy here, so I partially worry for him and hope he'll be alright without the financial support from working here, but more than that I envy him, for being able to leave, and having a future to look forward to elsewhere, our part of his life has now ended and he's moving on, it's a weird feeling knowing that I'll be stuck in the same place come Thursday evening.

Despite this I know that my time too will come, sooner than I'd like, the past 9 months since I started working at Laterooms have absolutely flown by, especially the last 4, where I went from realising that English wasn't for me and dropping out of college, to visiting MOSI with my dear flatmate and falling in love with aircraft again, to reapplying for university, to receiving my place and confirming it and confirming that in a further 5-7 months time, I'll be living in a new city, starting fresh, doing what I love, finally.

It's a bitter-sweet moment though, as I have become fully comfortable within my surroundings, hating it, but being comfortable nevertheless. I like that I earn just enough to get by, and that I can sleep for 12hrs a day. That every spare day is an opportunity for a new adventure which I'm now taking full advantage of, spending a Friday in Leeds with the most beautiful boy I have ever met, then the following Thurs/Fri taking my beauty of a best friend to my home, and still being able to make it to work for Saturday after getting the bus back to Manchester for 9.30am.

My plan was to get out of debt before I went back to University, now it's to create as many experiences as possible before I leave this city forever.

I am terrified, and have grown to dislike change, but it's one thing in this life you'll never be able to avoid, so I'm doing all I can to attempt to embrace it once again.

But despite this, though things may change, I hope that this is not the end.

Come Play... With Aerospace, Moving & Family.

Finally after the last year and a half I have finally realised my true calling, the one which I was fully aware it was for years. After all this time I finally took the plunge and reapplied to go back to university. After several rejections due to my lack of UCAS points due to me doing so piss poor on my BTEC (mind a MP for 43% attendance is an achievement in my book!) I finally received acceptance in the warm arms of Kingston University (I also got in to Salford, but it was design-based, not a field I really want to go into).

I really only applied for the course based on the feedback I got from my friend from college who went there, and through spying through his pictures on his Facebook and seeing how awesome it looked. The course I'm doing is not actually with the University as such, but it is accredited by them. Meaning essentially I'll be working hands on with aircraft of all design, commercial, military, haulage and private. Talk about fucking awesome! The company is called The Marshall Aerospace and Defence Group, you can check out their website for more information on the company: www.marshalladg.com.

Now I'm just terrified to be moving to Cambridge, a beautiful city I'm sure, but I was more excited when I was moving to Manchester, possibly because I was moving into halls and I thought I was going to be safe with the whole uni vibe around me, which to an extent was true. But I guess experience has taught me that you'll never be safe anywhere on your own, which is why moving to a city, where I don't know ANYBODY, and with no student accommodation in sight; kinda terrifies me.

I've been viewing flats on Zoopla and the like, and the rents are amazingly reasonable, although this is another thing that scares me, considering that it's down south, why am I able to find all-inclusive accommodation for under £80 per week? I already feel some sort of catch coming on.

But on the upside I'll be a hell of a lot closer to my friends and family, with London only being 20mins away, which is also a significant reason why I chose to go, since my 2 year old sister doesn't even know who I am, I don't want to be just another long lost relative who sends her easter eggs and a card with money in it on her birthday, I'd really like to be a part of her life and bestow all my worldly knowledge to her to ensure that she doesn't make the same mistakes that I have, or doesn't NEED to in any case. (If she's anything like me it'll likely not stop her, but I could have done with a heads up on what I was getting myself into on many occasions!)

All in all though I'm feeling really excited for the future, if not a little apprehensive, though I guess that's good in a way, I must be growing up as each day I become more fearful of the world.

Here's to the next chapter!

come play with... breathing.

I am so happy to be living, in this time, in this space, taking each and every day as it comes. breathing.

life is full of beauty, be it people, or imagery, it's the little things, that make this time so precious, so special.

i feel bad for the fallen, for those who never had the time, to experience what i have.

the pain, the loss of a loved one, believing that id never be whole without you in my life, but instead, you had the life i could only dream of, experiences that i will never experience, a life that i will never lead.

and i'll spend the rest of my life, inadvertently emulating your mistakes, your highs and lows, times change, but emotions stay the same, i believe.

as long as i keep breathing, i'll feel your presence, in my mind you're with me, and thats all that matters.

i'll take hold of each and every day, till my breathing ends. with you.

Come play... with Aunt Flo

Words cannot comprehend how much pain I am in due to the visit of my aunt, yet I am so overjoyed for her visit, after a mind-numbingly gruelling week of waiting for her arrival. My initial thoughts were, oh fuck, can't be preggo, so I took not one, but FIVE tests, and they all came back negative. 

So if that wasn't it, what was wrong?! Then I spoke with my colleague at work who told me that her daughter hadn't had one for two years when she was around my age due to yo-yo dieting. 

I have to admit, I had quite a bad body-image for a while, I think it was because my ex called me a whale on several occasions after we broke up, mind you she was a feeder, so it makes sense that by her losing me the only way she could make herself feel better would be to attempt to bring me down due to my weight. Which is ironic due to the fact that even despite my weight gain I was/still am hotter than anyone else she was ever going to get. It's a hard life in the lesbian world, especially when the butch ones try to push all the bisexuals away by labelling them as 'greedy cock-munchers' or whatever. 

But yes, I have spent the last few months checking my weight pretty much every day, and I went from eating tiny portions daily, to purging 3 or 4 times a week, and starving the rest. So in hindsight I can see why my body is pissed and took so long to get it's act together. 

I think I'm going to have to take the scales out of my room and stop being so obsessive about my weight/appearance, I didn't even think it was that bad but I guess these things kind of manifest themselves on their own. 

Well, I am off to cry on my way to work, I hope someone has some painkillers... or alcohol. 

Bye! xx

Come play... with Being Human.

Wow, I don't know what it is but something just hit me and made me realise how much of a first-class cunt I've been. I told a boy who loved me that I couldn't bare to be around him anymore and stomped on his heart as I gallivanted with various individuals eager to take his place.

I cannot believe how cruel I was and entirely consumed in myself and how the relationship 'damaged' me. But if it was so bad (which it was) why did I drag it out for so long? Why did I keep trying to cling on to something which everyone around us knew didn't work except us? Why did I put him through it?

One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I lost my best friend, loyal, kind and would do anything for anyone, even if he didn't even know you, just because he was that kind of person. I guess I ended up pushing for more than a friendship because I knew that if we didn't because we weren't going to see each other at uni everyday that I would lose him as a friend. And that summer was literally one of the worst ones of my life. Alone, uni drop-out and with no job. Then he came down to see a band and invited me along because he had a spare ticket and was nice like that.

He never hinted that he ever wanted anything more, so why did I think that I had to? I'm even more gutted because the holidays we spent together I'm sure would have still happened had we been friends and probably would have been better because it would have been without the domestics.

Why did it work so well as friends, but after a year in a relationship I could barely stand to be there?

I preferred my logo as the token lesbian of the group, if i'd just stuck to it none of this would have ever happened and we'd all be a lot happier. I guess I just felt like I was fighting a lone battle against everyone around me after we broke up, even though they all knew that it wasn't working and they would deliberately avoid inviting us to nights out because they knew we would be at blows by the end of the night. That alone should have said enough.

I guess being together was easier than being alone even though it; we, didn't work.

I just feel awful for the way I went on, I was childish and selfish and should have had a heart.

I was there once, my first love, we broke up, he got with someone else, and I couldn't handle it, I never did, and bar once, (in a brief get together with friends at home over Christmas '12 where it would have been more awkward for us not to speak than for us to converse the basic pleasantries) we've never spoken in 7 years.

7 whole years.

And I'm STILL not over it fully, and likely never will be because he was my first. There's nothing that you can do about it. But he just cut me off, far less cruel than me, blabbing on the internet about how crap the relationship was. I forget that people other than random Americans (hi) read this. And though I never went out to hurt him, I did, because I'm an arsehole and deserve everything I get.

Well, I'm only human, and we all make mistakes.

I'm just really sorry.

Come play... with the Future.

When I entered this year, with two of my most favourite people in the entire world, I looked up at the firework display in Piccadilly Gardens and felt elated with joy, super dooper excited to enter the new year. I had no plans, nothing to essentially look forward to at all really, but I was happy in the company I was in and just excited to know that I could afford to buy another drink!

It was only after a few days in 2014. I lulled. Back into this weird thing that I've got going on where as I have an immense amount of free time and nothing in particular to do with it. It's weird though because at a time when I barely had a minute to think I dreaded going back to my, frankly lovely boyfriend. I just needed the time, and the space alone, which being in the relationship that I was in, was impossible.

If anything the only reason I went for a replacement (I wasn't looking, but the only reason I really considered the idea) was because the ending of the relationship coincided with the end of the course I was on. I realised that just because I had settled into the relationship (because it was easy, filled with flaws that I couldn't be bothered to work on because I couldn't deal with the conflict); didn't mean that I had to settle with a course just because it was easy, and I didn't want to deal with a little work.

But really, what was wrong, was the fact that I shouldn't have to deal with both. So I had to make a choice!

I was asked out on a date with a guy I'd fancied the pants off at work, and it felt pretty good, I'm not going to lie.

But I've just sent off my application to UCAS application, and I can imagine that this is what it feels like to be proposed to, considering that most marriages end after 4/5 years anyway, this is the academic version. And this is, without a doubt, the BEST feeling in the world. I feel like I could take on the world! Literally bouncing off the walls and nothing comes even remotely close to this feeling.

Just to consider the fact that I have something to look forward to other than another year of mind-numbingly boring work and disappointing dates is pretty ace.

But no. This year, I'm going to be single, because I fucking love it, I love the fact that I pulled three people on Tuesday night! Yes, one of them was an 18 year old who'd just gotten out of prison, and the other two were fabulous, but very clearly straight girls, but it was awesome, and I ended up on a dear friends sofa, where I belong.

In the meantime I will be getting myself reaquainted with A-level maths and physics, but I have 9 months to kill before the hard work begins. And I will NOT be wasting it away.

Oh my fucking god. I'm game as fuck for the future! Come at me bitch! :D

Come Play... with Loneliness.

I find it difficult to comprehend the idea of calling for help, it seems that the more isolated you become, the less willing you are to resolve the situation, or to seek some form of resolution. I guess the reason that I've spent the last 3 years of my life in long-term relationships is because I truly dislike my own company. I have no drive to improve my outlook though if I ever have a friend in need I'd do all I could to try to make them feel better, regardless of my own feelings at the time.

I guess that's why I have a tendency to date people who are more insecure than I am, or who are more vocal about it anyway, so I can make them feel better and in turn, make myself feel better. Though telling someone their beautiful never cuts through and you spend your life trying to make them see what you see and eventually get fed up trying as you realise that they just want to moan and bend your ear.

I really miss having a decent group of friends around me, who I could call up and they would already be down the local bar with everyone that you've known and loved for up to ten years. I always laugh at people who moan about how shit shields is and that they cannot wait to leave, yet they never will, because it is comfortable. Because you're surrounded by people who love and care about you. Why wouldn't you stay?

As I enter this new year I am as lonely as I have ever been. It's not the city itself that I dislike really, I actually really like Manchester, it has a lot of promise. It's just that I fucked everything up by feeling the need to start relationships with just about anyone who'll give me the time of day. When all I really need is a friend. But it's just a little too late for that now.

I've found myself looking for Jobs in London for the summer and am currently in the process of wishing my life away. I've been messed about and slagged off by just about everyone around me. For being me. And I don't think it's possible to feel any lower. I just want to go home.

Come Play With... 2014

Good evening to you all.

It has been brought to my attention that about this time of year people come up with these weird things called 'Resolutions' or something, where they generally set themselves some sort of unachievable target (or non-scalable i.e being nicer, wtf) and then by the end of the month are back to square one. Still smoking and still fat.

Well this year, my initial thoughts on a resolution were to be 'a proper lad and to give none of the fucks for 2014' which is a good idea in theory, except for the fact that... and believe it or not... I have a vagina.

Henceforth due to this I have decided that for my New Years Resolution I shall not set up a New Years Resolution. Because I never keep to them anyway and frankly, if anything I spent a good chunk of the last year trying to be sweet, compassionate and empathetic and self-less. But I am none of these things!

I'd say if I made it to 2015 without a kid that would be ace, but I don't want to jinx it. And if I wasn't still living in Manchester that would be cool too, but for some reason I'm not holding my breath just yet.

All I'm going to do is just keep going down the downward spiral that is my life, still frustrated and stunted; still alone and bitter.

Happy 2014.